Thursday, Jan. 3, 2003 12:24 a.m.

I didn't die

I almost died on Mon.
I didn't see my life flash before my eyes, or whatever people say is supposed to happen - but I just knew that I no longer had control and that this could be it. I'd never felt that before.

I was driving to Dallas to be w/friends for New Years. It had been raining (ok, POURING) and I was in the fast lane. Perhaps I was driving a bit too fast, but I wasn't being excessive. anyways, I hydroplaned - and not just the little oh-I-hit-a-puddle,-whoa-scary,-but-now-it's-ok hydroplane. I had NO control. that was the scariest feeling in the world. my car started swerving all over the place; I was mostly afriad of slamming into the cars in the other lanes, causing a huge, deadly pile-up. it's amazing how vulnerable you feel in that situation - soley up to the mercy of your surroundings. I don't remember if they taught me different in drivers ed, but I knew of nothing other to do than SLOWY apply my brakes and hope to stop. But that only succeded in my car spinning around and throwing itself backwards off the left side of the highway. In my minds eye, I could see my car crashing into the cement divider and flipping my car back into the oncoming traffic. I thought I was going to be dead. I slammed on my brakes. I stopped. My car was diagonal in the grass, facing the traffic, the way I'd just come. I don't even think I was a full foot away from the cement divider. I was alive. I didn't hit any other vehicle. My car didn't even have a scratch.

It's kinda a weird situation when something like this happens. When you lose control, what then is in control? the laws of physics? is anything? See, when I totally lost control of the car, I prayed. I said "Don't let me hit any others cars. Please don't let me die." I didn't know what else to do. I don't how big of a deal to make of this. I know some people would look at something like this as a miracle, a sign that my life has a meaning and that I wasn't yet taken from this earth for a purpose. But I know that some people would just view this a lucky coincidence and a sign that I should drive safer.

I don't want to assign meaning to something that means nothing. but then, meaning is only found in what one chooses to place meaning in. so, I still don't know if I should dwell on this much. It's just funny how you view life in that moment where, for the first time, you realize that it could be taken away.

anyways, for other news...
Mon. and yesterday night, I went bar hopping in the big city of Dallas. I honestly had a blast and didn't get drunk either night. But, it's funny, because both nights I met a guy from California. and both nights I got into discussions about the differences between Cali and Texas. I've just been thinking about this so much lately. There really is such a difference in attitude how each place views life. I know I can't stay long in L.A. - I'm afraid that it may change me into a person that I do not want to be.

and for other other news...
I had the best New Years Eve I've ever had. ok, I never do this, but it was New Years and so I bent my rules a bit - but I was determined to find myself a random guy for a New Years kiss (I've never had one before) - and I succeeded! :)

I'm such a dork! :)

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