Wednesday, Jan. 03, 2024 7:28 p.m.

first time second time

I'm reading entries from Fall 2004. The first confusing season of my life when I fell in love for the first time.

And here I am. 20 freaking years later.

Falling in love for a second time.

The funny thing is - I feel exactly the same as I did then in so many ways. The uncertainty, the stupid similes on my face, the awkwardness, contentment, happiness, hope...all these things I feel like I've gone back in time and am experiencing again, for the first time. Except it's the second time.


I was holding myself back from this for so long. I should not fall in love with him. I should not have fallen in love with him. We fucking agreed to it on our first meeting "No falling in love, right? Nope, no falling in love" we said as we shook hands.

Maybe I was an idiot back then. Naive. I trusted myself to hold myself to my emotional boundaries.

And actually, I did hold myself to those boundaries.

But I guess I should not have trusted my husband. I mean my then-husband. Now ex-husband.
But he was my husband for 17 years.
17 years is a freaking long time.
And I still feel odd sometimes referring to him as anything other than my husband.

But he's not anymore.
We've been separated a year. Officially/legally divorced for 8 months.

And now I have another man in my life. And we have a child together.

That was fast right? I know what you're thinking. And yes, it was kind of fast. But it also kind of wasn't as fast as it seems.

Blah. I'll explain the story of this new guy in another post.
But he's been around. It's maybe not as scandalous as it seems.
Or maybe it is.
Idk anymore.

But he's been there. He's seen me. He knows me.
He's a really good fit for me. It's almost scary how well we're compatible on the things that really matter like values & goals & personalities.
Actually it IS scary. It scared me away from him at first. I kept pushing away from him. I shouldn't've been allowed to like someone else right? I was such a devoted wife. Deep down I still feel a bit like I'm betraying my then-husband by getting close to this new guy.

But then-husband pushed me away & discarded me & I've accepted this & moved on.

I've opened myself up to new love.
And I've found it.

And I think there's real potential here. I feel it, I know it.
Maybe I shouldn't say this. But deep down I already know it's true. So I might as well acknowledge it.

We're gonna make it this time.

previous | next

Wednesday, Jan. 03, 2024 - first time second time
Friday, Dec. 22, 2023 - not the story I planned to tell, part 1
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends

Chapters of My Life
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.