Saturday, Jan. 19, 2013 8:34 p.m.

For when I look back

I feel like I have no time.

I think K must have read my last entry because we came to me a few days later and said we should talk. We have definite deadlines for when things must happen by before we give up now. This is a good thing. But it's also a depressing thing. We'll see what the next several months bring I guess.

I'm starting to feel weird about trying for a second kid. Not because I'm rethinking my desire for one, but because I'm having to accept that, unlike my secret hopes that it'd somehow be easier this time around, that we might just be in the whole difficulty-conceiving boat again. And I just hated all of that and it was depressing and lonley.

C is only 16 months old but I'm already at the point where people ask if we're planning to have any more or asking when C's going to be a big sister. My answer has always been a vague "oh we definitely want at least another one" and then drop it at that. But I know people are already wondering when.

A girl I went to college with who had a son C's age and who's blog I read recently announced a #2. I don't know why it bothered me. I guess because I wish I were making this same announcement? But I don't really know I would wish for that; we can't afford another kid right now! We can barely afford anything right now.

A few weeks ago, I completely rearranged C's room...pretty much in order to eventually fit another crib in there and I mentally mapped out how two could fit in there. It was weird. I thought it was maybe some weird premonition that I was going to be pregnant that month. I wasn't. I don't know why I felt the need to prepare for a baby that isn't coming.

I'm actually going to be avoiding pregnancy the next couple months though. I don't want to be about to deliver for my 10 year college reunion in October. I think I had hoped that I would have two kids by the time the reunion came around. But I won't now. The best I can hope for is to be pregnant then...but I don't really want to be pregnant then either because ill want/need to drink, ha ha! It would've been such nice timing to have gotten pregnant in the past 9 months since I got my period back after C. But that didn't happen. And it strangely bums me out even though it most likely would've been more than I can handle right now. I think it just sucks to once again feel like our bodies are broken while others bodies work so well.

My laptop died the other day. Just crashed. I've never had that happen to a computer of mine before. They were able to backup the hard drive, but my computer has been sent away and I won't get it for at least another week. It's weird to be without all my stuff on there and to be without my computer, I'm glad I had coverage so I don't have to pay for it, but it still sticks to be without it. I'm on K's iPad write now. It's not super easy to type but I'm doing what I can.

Work has gotten really busy. I'm feeling really overwhelmed in my position. I m being overloaded with responsibility and I've just stop caring and don't want to do it anymore. It's bad. But I have to work. But I don't want to work, so im procrastinating like crazy. I wish that other people would help me out more but I've never been good at asking others to go out of their ways so I try to take it all on myself. I feel like I already do more work than I need to because I care and want to do a good job.

But right at this moment I don't care anymore. I need a vacation. I don't care if we just had one. Our vacation was too busy and I didn't come home nice and relaxed and ready to start back to work. My mind didn't clear, it didn't reset and prepare for a new semester. And that's really what I need, to be able to just forget everything for a few days and refresh.

I wish I could wake up new and refresh not just from work, but also from just life in general.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I will one day get to look back on this entry and my then older self will wish it could tell my current-younger self that it does indeed work out and to keep going. Just as how I remember writing entires in here both about being single and about trying to conceive and how I hoped I would one day be able to look back from the other side. I have been able to look back, both as now a wife and a mother. So in the same way I hope we will one day be more successful and happy and settled and able to look back on now. I hope those good times are just around the corner. Because they suck right now.

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