Tuesday, May. 17, 2005 5:22 p.m.
so I quit.
according to dictionary.com, quit means to: I like #5 the best. to admit defeat. is quitting always bad? it seems like we always put such a negative connotation on quitting, on quitters. quitters are weak, quitters can�t handle commitment, quitters aren�t to be trusted. quitters are everything that I never wanted to be. I was watching tv last night and saw a commercial for some new reality show. I rolled my eyes � these shows are like weeds, I can feel them choking out any bit of intelligence left in America... and then I remembered I work in reality tv...I hate my job. I hate the ways in which I am contributing to society. life is meaningless enough as it is and while some people might be content in adding to its meaninglessness, I am not one of them. yes, people have to make a living and reality tv pays the bills�but I cannot stand being one of those people anymore. I talked with my production manager today � told him I didn�t want to continue on to the next city. a small part of me feels bad for dumping this on him (I actually respect the guy) and going back on my commitment to the show�but a much larger part of me is relieved, as though maybe a little of the happiness I felt before this show has room to creep back in now. I just think it�s weird that we value quitting as such a bad thing. if I was continuing on in reality tv, then yes, quitting would be bad for political reasons�but I�m NOT continuing on in reality tv, I�ve got another job already, and everyday doing this is torture to me�should I continue on just to say that I didn�t give up? why not give up? why is giving up bad? is it better to not give up or to retain my sanity? this time, I�m voting for sanity.
1: put an end to a state or an activity.
2: give up or retire from a position.
3: go away or leave.
4: turn away from; give up.
5: give up in the face of defeat of lacking hope; admit defeat.
I guess I�m admitting defeat - I gave up.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.