Wednesday, Jun. 02, 2004 7:23 a.m.
committing Diaryland suicide
I feel as though I�m committing suicide. not suicide as in I�m ending my alive life, but suicide as in I�m ending my Diaryland life. and I feel the need to write a well-written �suicide� note encapsulating not only every bit of my decision but also reflecting on every bit of my past with this thing. only, now as I sit down at my computer the overwhelming task of trying to say what I want to say seems an impossible burden to attempt. and it makes me just want to end it now, without a clear explanation nor definite end. but just as you only have one beginning, you only have one end. and I might as well make the end worthwhile. if I was a poet and could write good poetry, that�s what I�d do. I feel I�ve got more to say and more to portray than that which can comfortably fit within the descriptive confines of a journal entry. a poem can shorten the large feelings and thoughts into only the important words. I like that � but I don�t really like poems. just as in the passing from death into afterlife (I�m being romantic for a moment and pretending that there an afterlife), I feel as though I am both ending and beginning. I�m starting over. And this next part can only be better. Or worse. Or the same. who knows? I guess the exciting part is finding out, huh? my best friend is leaving for Africa today for a month. My closest sister is in Europe for the summer. I�m quitting Diaryland and severely limiting my internet/email access. I live in a brand new place with brand new roommates who are cool, but still complete strangers to me. I, um, kinda made out with my best guy friend over the weekend and though my support base has eliminated itself down to him, I�m not sure I want to lean solely on him. I feel the need to step away and not lean on him as much for the time being. I only have myself and my introspection to keep me company. I type these last few words, letters, spaces with the same careful deliberation of one raising a loaded gun to their head and mentally counting down. ...3...2...1... the end.
I feel as though I am going to a better place.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.