Thursday, Aug. 14, 2014 11:42 a.m.

let's move on

Is depression like the new way of making yourself sound cool? Seriously, like EVERYONE in the world in the past few days have talked about their own personal bout of depression and how no one else can possibly understand them because they've never been in the same shoes.

Pft.

Waaaaaaay back in the days, when I was in college, I wrote an essay about depression and suicide and posted it on a geocities site. A lot of people emailed me. I emailed a lot of people. Over several years, I seriously talked to probably close to a hundred people about depression and/or suicide. I was the one they could secretly confide in, I was the one who talked some of these people into choosing to stay a live for another day.

I myself first suffered through depression in college. Yeah, I know how much it sucks. Did I ever go an see a professional about it? No. I didn't. Because I didn't want it to define me. I know that's clearly the unpopular thing to say that. Everyone nowadays just tells someone who is depressed that they are "helpless" to the illness and cannot get better without outside help.

And to that, at least in many (not all) cases, I say B.S.

Humans, even when in the depths of depression, have the capacity for stronger resolve than they often realize.

Yeah, it's easier to say that you can't help something and push all the responsibility for yourself off to someone else, a "professional" - but I believe that more people can help themselves then they give themselves credit for.

Oh, and I'm sure someone would say that I must have not ever been truly depressed to be able to say this. Well, you know what? screw you. You don't know me. Only God can judge the true intentions and feelings of my heart.

Life has not been easy for me the past two years. I would say that half that time I was too stressed and barely hanging on to survival mode to even be depressed. Depression is this by-product of modern life because we no longer really know how good we have it. Yeah, that sounds awful to say, but it's true. And I wish I could say it somewhere public, but I'd just be attacked and receive death threats or something, ha ha.

But seriously. I know how hard it is to find motivation each and every day. My house is a mess. We have no food in the house. Not because I can't afford it (thank goodness we're on a small reprieve from our financial stress at the moment), but because I still have very little motivation to get things done. IT's getting better and I'm getting better, but it's all still hard.

I know what it's like to be overwhlemed. I know what its like to practically break out in tears multiple times a day for no good reason. I'm not immune to feelings of depression and I'm not oblivious to what it must feel like to be in the state of mind to contemplate suicide.

But. But. But. Maybe only due to stubbornness or anger or plain ole curiousness to see if tomorrow actually has the potential to get better - I've kept myself alive. And at this point in my life, I'm pretty positive that I'll continue keeping myself alive too.

I know how hard it is to get myself up off the couch in order to do anything. Anything at all. Even just get myself a glass of water.

But, life is hard. And we just do it. So when I'm feeling really, really, really low and where life has no meaning, you know what I do? I do one tiny small thing. Baby steps. If I'm stuck on the couch, I dare myself to sit up. Can I do it? Probably. Do I want to? No. Can I pshyically do something I don't want to? I'll try it. Why not? Can't hurt and I'm not doing anything else.

After I sit up, I challenge myself to stand up and walk to the kitchen. And so on. Baby steps. Really, sometimes it just baby steps.

This time will pass, if you only live to see another day through.

The only way to see if things could ever get better for you are to keep going. Yeah, maybe life will suck more tomorrow, but you'll never know until you get there.

So yeah, whatever. I'm getting so tired of all these people posting about depression and suicide the past couple days and how it's impossible to deal with and that sometimes suicide is the only way out. No it's not. I mean, I honestly don't care if you choose to commit suicide, but I do think it's the dumb choice (I'll make exception in very rare cases where otherwise a more painful death is imminent, i.e. people jumping out of the WTC). It's giving up.

I've wanted to give up so many times, but I haven't.

Whenever I start to feel helpless, I always think of how things could be worse - and they pretty much always could be - and then realize that I have at least one thing to be thankful for in life. And that alone is sometimes the thing to keep me going.

So yeah. We're all silently and secretly depressed. I get that. But instead of wallowing in your own self misery - if you want to get better, do something about it. It will be hard. But so is life. Just try something, and then decide what you think. Why not?

And by the way, I think I may seriously be going crazy from incessant almost-3yr old non-stop talking and whining. I can't take it anymore. I love her, but geez lousie, it hurts my brain and takes every ounce of patience in me (and I've learned to have a lot over the past few years) not to snap at her sometimes.

Oh, and a lot of times, I really do think that faking happiness helps. Not all the time, but it does sometimes. Even though you're faking it, as least you're putting forth an effort. And often, pretending to be happy will get you make choices that in turn, will actually make you happy. OR at least better than you were before.

Also, when things are really sucky, I always make myself think of how my life could be worse. And that pretty much always is some way or another things could be worse. Then, if anything, it gives me a tiny something to realize that I have and I'm thankful for.

And if things ever get really super bad, I tell myself that I'll just go surround myself with the less fortunate for awhile. See what it's like to have nothing. That almost always makes me thankful for the few things I do have, even if happiness, right in that moment, is not one of them.

Ugh. Baby is crying now. I love him too and sometime she makes me so suprememly happy, but other times like now wen he's crying instead of sleeping, the cries just reverbate in my ear and drive me even more crazy on top of 3 yr old whining.

I need to get himto sleep and then try to focus on work. Someday I'll pick up the house and make dinner and all that good stuff again. My mind is too overwhlemed right now. Eh, at least I keep the kids alive everyday. That's what I tell myself at least. :)

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