Friday, Sept. 30, 2011 11:56 p.m.
two weeks in and it's hard
I hate that I have not yet written an entry about the birth and everything else. It is another of the many things that keeps getting pushed down further and further on my "absolutely-necessary-and-need-to-do-RIGHT-NOW" list.
First it was all the visitors (my parents, K's mom/stepdad, my grandma and my cousin). Then it was the slow recovery from the pain of stitches. Then it was the extreme pain of trying to breastfeed with cracked and bleeding nipples. Then K's dad in town. Then it was what I thought was exhaustion and a day-long throbbing headache. Then I completely blacked out at the pediatrician's office, where I had to lay on the examination table and get my blood pressure checked and did some blood tests on me because I couldn't stand up without feeling woozy (yes, at a PEDIATRICIAN'S office; I'm embarrassed). Then it was my total loss of appetite and my milk supply severely diminishing so that I had to start using formula for a couple feedings because I couldn't feed my child. Then it was freaking out that my fevers and headaches could mean something more serious and finding out that I have some sort of postpartum infection. But hey - I finally got a prescription for some antibiotics today, so I'm optimistic that I eventually might catch up to life again soon.
So it's been rough. Add to this the lack of sleep and the decline of cohesive thinking ability and the volatile emotional status typically expected with a newborn's arrival - and I can easily say that so far, postpartum life has been way more difficult than any part of pregnancy ever was.
Oh. By the way, I think I forgot to mention last time: it's a girl. And I wish I didn't love her so much already that I somehow make myself go through all of this because of her!
And tomorrow's our 6 year anniversary. I don't even have time to think about it. Which is sad. But just another thing on on the "need-to-do" list either.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.