Saturday, Oct. 12, 2013 1:44 p.m.

dreams will be dreams

K's deal with FX has supposedly closed. But the official papers have not been signed. Who knows when that will happen. K warned me that his payment will probably be paid in small spurts over time but that he has no idea of a timeline.

In my mind, this translates to "continue not expecting any money".

I love K. I really do. I know him. He is my husband. We have built a life together. We have a child and another on the way. I care about him.

But sometimes I really am not sure why we partnered up for marriage. He's a good guy, yes, and while there have been plenty of downs (not to mention exceedingly poor times like now), he's overall been a good spouse to me. But we're just so different too.

He has a twitter feed that I know about but hardly ever read. He's not the man I married on there. He's the guy he wants others to think he is. And honestly, that guy annoys the crap out of me. I can't believe I'm married to that guy he pretends he is to others. I hat how he swears so much. I hate how vulgar he is and how funny he thinks that makes him. I hate that he thinks he has these funny, "witty" things to say when really, to me, they sound like a middle schooler trying to talk dirty because they think it makes them sound cool. I don't think my husband is cool when it talks, or tweets, that way. It actually completely turns me off.

Why isn't he like the way he is with me with his friend, or with his industry people too? It really bugs me.

Why does he feel like he needs to own hundreds of DVDs/Blue-Rays and why does he feel like it's totally fine to watch tv for hours and hours every night? Why does he automatically turn on the tv to "relax"? I find it infuriating. Tv is such a waste of time.

But that's his whole life, so why am I supposed to do about it? I can't do anything about it. I should've known this when I married him.

Why can he be serious with me when it's just us talking and we can talk about religion or politics or something, but then, if he ever brings it up to friends or on twitter, he seems to take a completely different side of things? It's just like he always wants to "fit in" with whatever anyone else around him thinks.

Why does he do this? It makes him come across as insecure? Why doesn't he stand for anything? Something. Anything.

Oh yeah, that's right, in order to work in this town you have to sell your soul to whatever higher power (aka people with money who could one day hire and share some with you) is most available.

I'm just bored of it all.

But I have to keep telling myself that hey, maybe things will get better. Maybe this show will sell and then K will have some power to make decisions about what goes into an actual show that will air and millions of people will watch. Maybe we just have to keep this up a bit longer and then we'll get the place, finally, where we can have some influence.

I hate how long this all takes.

I kind of told K forever ago that these last two projects are the last ones he can see through and if they don't work, then it's time to quit. But that was so long ago, and things move so slowly and still nothings gone either way. I don't have hope of a "deadline" when a decision will be made by. I have nothing. I just sit and wait. And I think I'm a pretty patient person. But even this patient person is becoming extremely bored.

Well, I guess late-April is a deadline. When this 2nd kid is apparently coming. I'm so nervous about it all. Why oh why am I pregnant right now? I thought I wanted this. Well, I DID want this. I DO want another kid. But what I WANT is another kid along with a more settled life for my family. I wanted things to work out before a new kid came along. Now a new kid is coming and the pregnancy is progressing and nothing is changing for us. At some point, I cannot keep putting the acceptance of thing off.

I stopped going to my doctor appointments. The doctor's office actually keeps calling me to check on me and get me to reschedule. I haven't called back. I suppose that it's nice that they seem to care, but I don't know what to say. I want to ignore the whole thing until I know more about our own lives.

I really hope this kid doesn't have Down's syndrome or something, because I'm kind of missing my window to get testing. But how am I supposed to pay for the testing?

I haven't set up with a midwife yet either. They all want deposits of $500 or something. Which we don't have, unless they accept credit card payment. So I just have no maternity care right now. It's horribly irresponsible, I'm sure, but I just feel lost otherwise and don't know what to do. So I'm just kind of ignoring my pregnancy. Afterall, have you seen I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant? Those ladies didn't have prenatal car either. If they can do it, why can't I?

(yes, I know this is all horrible to say, but it's how I talk myself into being ok with not doing anything right now)

If K does not have a job or serious money that has already come in and been deposited into our bank account by the time this baby is born, then I don't know what to do. I honestly think that bankruptcy is our only next step at this point. Our debt is crippling us, and the only way we're pretending to stay afloat right now is by charging even more to credit cards and digging the hole deeper.

What also sucks is this:
K lost his job last year in Sept. So that means that he brought in income for most of 2012 still. So, even though our adjusted gross income was about 40% lower than what it was in 2011 (we were banking in 2011, I have to admit :(), we were still, on paper, above qualifying for any low-income help programs.

Now for 2013, if we are able to base things on my salary alone (and the truest representation of our daily lives), we're at about 200% of the national poverty level still. This is with my GROSS income, not even before deductions or adjustments. AND it's important to note that that's the NATIONAL poverty level, and that the cost of living in California is quite a bit higher than national averages. So we may look like were ok, on paper, but in our actual bank accounts, it's not that much.

AND, because any assistance we even tried to apply for right now would only look at our income tax forms from last year, no one would even think we needed any help.

AND THEN, if K does in fact get paid from this FX deal and the money happens to come in before the end of 2013, well, then it goes on our 2013 tax forms, which will AGAIN make it look like we made so much more money in 2013 than we really were making most of the year. Because most of this year, we are really much closer to the poverty threshold than I ever thought I'd ever be.

Our city had a no-permit garage sale weekend, so there were TONS and TONS of sales this morning and I went out. I spent $21 and got:
1 pair of maternity pants
5 shorts/skirts/pants for C
4 shirts for C
8 books for C
2 toy plastic baskets for C
1 hat for me
4 new packages of hair pins and clips for me

Not bad, right? All those things were needed and will be used. I know I got a steal. But I also feel so incredibly guilty for spending that $21 too. I feel horribly guilty every time I spend money now. I don't have a good handle on how much money we have. I know that we can actually spend money on the necessities, but I just feel this overwhelming felling of being so in debt that we never truly have any money to spend.

We decided to go to my college homecoming next weekend. We can't afford it of course. But I opened a new credit card a month or two ago and we can use that to finance the trip. We're all going and we're driving. I bought used gift cards online in order to use for the hotel so that I can save 6%. I cancelled on a dinner that all my college girlfriends were going to go out to together because I looked up the restaurant, realized that it's a bit pricey and decided that we didn't need to spend the $60 or whatever it was going to be for dinner. We can hang out with them other times then at dinner. I used another excuse though of course, my friends don't need to know the truth. I'm planning to make sandwiches ahead of time to eat on the road instead of stopping for meals. We have a $10 Subway, $10 McDonalds, and $15 Applebees giftcard. I plan to use these if we need to stop. Hotels have free breakfast. We're going to make this trip as cheap as we can.

I hate having to think about every little detail all the time and figure out ways to scrimp and save. It's so much to think about. It's exhausting.

But we're going. And I plan to put on a good show. I'll pretend that we successful, that we're doing awesome, that we're happy and our lives are happy. And I think my pretending will actually, in fact, help me to be happier. I will enjoy my time there and make the most of it, because I will have it...even if I had to buy it with money I can't repay.

I wish I could sell K's DVDs. I wish I could cancel satellite altogether. I wish I could have a garage sale and purge everything. But K's not into it. He thinks that we should just keep waiting it out and than once the money comes in again that we will be glad we still have all our things and it would be more expensive to try to buy again and replace. So I don't sell anything.

I dream of the day when we can live someplace else, somewhere bigger than 650 sq. feet where we can spread out. I dream of the day when we're not both working at home and in each other's space all the time.

I dream of many, many things. And all I can continue and continue and continue to do is dream that those dreams won't always be dreams.

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