Saturday, Nov. 01, 2003 1:56 p.m.
post-party reflections
I went to a halloween party last night. this morning, I started thinking and while I don't have a particular great story about last night, just the whole drunk, party thing made me smile. you make sure you look cute, you head to a party. you find a cup, you carry a drink. you make your way in and out of a crowded area, talking to people you know, meeting people you don't. soon you start to feel funnier, more relaxed, more able to go with the flow of everything. girls are looking for guys to talk to, guys are looking for girls. eventually you get into some discussion over something with someone. you refill your cup. everyone is friendly, and though you don't know know the guy next to you, you're friends. you strike up another random conversation. you get another drink. you find the bathroom, you pee. time passes, you don't notice or care. you're having fun. you end up talking to some guy (if you're a straight girl, that is) for a fairly long time. the more you talk, the more you realize how cool he is, the more attracted to him you are. you feel connected, you've bonded. a friend you came with finds you, says it's time to go. you realize it's almost 3 am. you exchange numbers, you say goodbye (maybe with a kiss). you pee one last time. you go home, go to sleep, wake up. your head may hurt, you may be thirsty, you may just be tired. slowly, remembrances of last night filter in. you remember what you talked about, but don't remember how much you said. you try to remember if you made a fool of yourself, or if you were actually funny. not that it matters, since everyone was drinking and being kinda stupid too. you remember someone not drinking and wonder how they could've had any fun, and did you say anything really dumb in front of them that unfortunately they CAN remember? I don't mind being sober around drunks, but I HATE being drunk around sober people. AND THEN, you just have to laugh at the whole thing. the alcohol-induced fun, craziness, horniness, stupidity, laughter, discussions, hook-ups, people, costumes (for halloween, that is), introductions, forgetting things, peeing, inhibition-free blur. there really is nothing else that can be done. I know it's all so shallow, and I'm not really a party-scene type of person, but I can put on a pretty good act when I feel like it. and occasionally I do feel like it. I just need the distraction to occupy my mind from time to time.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.