Wednesday, Nov. 06, 2013 11:55 a.m.

a scary incident and moving on

I'm documenting this, so that I don't have to keep thinking about it.

Yesterday afternoon, I had a very scary incident.

Over the weekend, we switched C to a toddler bed, which means that she can basically get our of bed and wander around her room during bedtime and naps, whereas before, she was completely contained and safe in her enclosed crib. For the most part, C's done pretty good with this change and will sleep in the own bed, though we do still catch her getting up sometimes to play instead of sleeping. Night is pretty easy, but naps are a bit harder.

Yesterday afternoon, she went down for her nap. We could hear her playing and had to yell at her to go back to bed and sleep several times. Once it was quiet, we peeked in on her and she was asleep. However, at some point during her 2 hr. nap, she must have woken up, grabbed a nearby toy and gotten back in her bed. I had not heard her (I was on a work phone call) and neither had K, who was napping.

She was still asleep after her usual nap time, so I went to go open the door to her room in order to let some noise/light in to help her start the wake up process. However, when I opened the door, I saw her in bed still, fast asleep - but with a toy purse in bed with her, wrapped around her chest.

This is the toy she must have found in her room and picked up to play with. This actually isn't a "toy" at all, but a real purse that we got from somewhere that C likes to play with as dress up. There is a long, skinny leather strap on the purse. But she doesn't play with this all the time and to be honest, I had not even for a moment thought about it or that it could be dangerous. Up until a couple days ago, she slept in a crib, and I admittedly am not a super paranoid mom and didn't go through her room with a fine tooth comb to remove any and all possible dangerous objects before putting her in a toddler bed. So I did not even think about the fact that this purse was in her room somewhere with her. Or that this could happen.

Anyway, so I open the door to start waking her up and see the purse on her chest. And my heart skipped a beat. My first hope was, "that strap better not be around her neck". I ran over to the bed, leaned down, and because her neck was bent and I couldn't immediately see if there was a strap or not, I grabbed right into the folds of her neck and felt, to my absolute horror, leather.

I couldn't tell how tight it was, but I pulled and loosened it as quick as I could. This startled C awake and she started crying at me and saying "no mama" and trying to push me away. I knew she was annoyed by me abruptly waking her up in such a forceful and sudden way. But I did not care at all if she was upset by me. She was alive and crying. And alive. For a split second there, I had thought that I might be looking at a her lifeless body instead.

I unwrapped the purse from around her, picked her up, took her into the other room where K was and told him that I had just about had a heart attack and told him what happened. I was extremely calm in those moments. I hadn't cried out when I saw the purse, I didn't even cry when I told K what happened. But in the few minutes afterward, as it began to sink in more, I feel like I was just given a huge gift. That my life had almost gone completely wrong, to a point where I could not recover from, and that I had just miraculously been given a second chance at righting what could have been a horrible mistake.

I kept thinking about the incident all day yesterday afternoon. I thought I was going to have nightmares about it. I keep thinking about it today and I'm crying as I relive and write this now.

I don't know howlong that strap was around her neck. I don't know how tight it was (but it was snug when I found it, definitely not loose). But I know that had she just rolled over just a little bit that it would have tightened even tighter. Maybe even too tight.

I can't get the memory out of my head of first feeling that leather strap around her neck and fearing the worst. I can't shake the memory of that absolute horror of that half second where I thought that she might not move once I removed it.

It was very, very scary.

But I have to move on now.

I have my amazing and adorable little 2yr. old daughter, alive and she is standing next to me right now, saying "hi mommy! mommy type computer" before walking off, seeing some dog poop (we're outside right now) saying "ew, trudy poop", going to go pick up the outdoor broom and trying to sweep the dog poop off the patio. Oh gosh. I love this little kid.

Life may not be great right now, but it could certainty be a lot worse.

Ok, I've written this out and now I'm going to stop thinking about it. It happened and it was scary and it's over. I have my daughter today, and I will be more careful about such things in the future. No more crying or living in fear of it.

I'm thankful for today.

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