Monday, Dec. 23, 2002 10:02 p.m.
weed
I don't even know if I should write this in here, seeing as how this is something that I probably will NEVER tell anyone about, and I'm kinda ashamed of it and so I don't even want to admit it. But I need to be honest, and this is place to be just that.
On Saturday night, for the first time ever in my life, I smoked weed.
I mean, I totally choose to do it. I had actually been wanting to try it at least once - just to try it. So it wasn't like I was persuaded to do it, I wanted to.
it was an interesting picture: me and a girl from high school. We both graduated from our private christian high school in a class of 19 having never even kissed a guy. I hadn't talked to her in two years. Now she's married and has a kid. And I'm sitting in the car w/her and her husband (the baby wasn't there) smoking pot. who would've ever thought???
but yeah, to be quite honest, it wasn't worth it. being high, was, um, interesting, but even though everything was funny, I couldn't stand that 5 minutes into a conversation, I couldn't remember what we were talking about in the first place. My mind kept thinking about so much stuff, and so it wandered all over the place. I had to concentrate SO HARD on driving home and constantly remind myself to stay at 65 mph, stay in this lane, where I was driving, etc.
I just felt horribly guilty afterwards. I mean, I came home home afterwards, where my parents and sisters live!! What the hell was I thinking? What would they think of me if they ever found this out? That scares me, and I really, really do not want to be that type of person. I felt like a horrible person. What was the point of me doing it anyways? What was I trying to prove? I've always been so good.
But I did choose to do this, and I knew what I was doing. Though I'm ashamed, I'm also kinda glad because I learned that really, though smoking weed may be fun, it's not fun enough to feel like it's the ONLY way to have fun. I can honestly have non-high, non-drunk, normal fun that is just as good, if not better than induced fun.
I really don't think I want to do this again. I tried it once. I got it out of my system. and that's enough for me.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.