Sunday, Jan. 08, 2012 6:06 p.m.

a year ago on Friday

On 1/6/11, a year ago on Friday, was the Day of the Test. I can't say that it was the day I found out I was pregnant, because even now, a whole year later, there was no part of that day that I felt or accepted being pregnant. It was simply the day the test strangely came up differently.

I sometimes wonder what it's like for perhaps the majority of women out there: they realize their period is late, nervously buy one of the expensive home pregnancy tests at the store (because they probably naively think that the expensive ones must be most accurate) pee on the stick, see two lines, and think "oh, I guess I'm pregnant". What is it like to be a normal woman and only take a pregnancy test when you know you already have a good chance of being pregnant and just need to confirm it?

I've probably literally (no exaggeration here folks) taken around 100-125 pregnancy tests in my life. Do you how many of them were stark white every single time?? Not just was there an absence of a second line - it was starkest of all whites. Nothing. Never. Up until 1/6/11 I didn't believe that my urine could ever produce a positive result. It had never happened before. And there had been dozens and dozens of tests attempted.

Soo...when, on 1/6/11, I saw that second line, was I elated and crying tears of joy??? Actually, no. I was just confused. I couldn't make positive results. Something had to be wrong with the test. When I took a second test, using a different brand, and saw a second line again - did I let my happiness sink in then? No, my confusion instead started turning to anger; I wanted to know who or what was playing a trick on me. When I pulled out a hidden-stashed digital test and it came back with the word "Pregnant", did I call K right up and tell him the good news? No. I started shaking. And bawling.

After such a long journey to that point, I was surprisingly anything but happy and excited. I was angry and frustrated and confused. I didn't (and still don't) understand WHY in the world it had happened that time...but not any other of the many, many times before. It didn't make sense. Why now?? What if it was all a big lie? There was no way it was true. I felt 100% like I always felt; how could I be standing there and magically pregnant somehow? Pregnant was such a weird word; I couldn't and wouldn't accept it. I was not pregnant - but I had gotten a positive test. But that was it. Pregnant just couldn't happen to me.

I had a tutoring job that afternoon. I stuck one of those positive tests in my purse and took it with me. I pulled it out at every stoplight. I had to keeping checking to make sure it wasn't just invisible ink and had disappeared.

I didn't know how to tell K. I was long, long past those days when I used to think up cute ways to tell him the news if/when we found our we were having a baby. So I had no ideas stored up in my head. I couldn't call him - I wouldn't have been able to bring the words into my mouth. I couldn't text him a picture of the test - I didn't know what he was doing right then and didn't want to shock him with the news. What if his reaction were the same as mine? It was best to do it personally, not when he was around anyone else, just in case.

So I wrote him a short note on a notecard, telling him that I love him and loved being his partner in life and figuring it all out together. I told him that I knew he'd make an amazing father one day...a day that I hoped might not be too away in the future. Then I showed him the digital test. I gave it to him when came home from work.

He looked at me, asked me "Really? Really?" and all I could do was nod because there was a lump in my throat and lots of tears in my eyes. I managed to say "I guess so" and nodding to the test "that's all I know too". And then we both hugged. And bawled. Bawling is important because I did so much of it that day. And hardly any of it was from actual happiness. I was scared to be happy. I thought someone would pull the rug out from under me if I believed any of it was true.

K had promised some friends that we'd attend their roller hockey game that evening and we both had to hurry out the door and dry our eyes on the way. They were a couple that had just eloped 6 days earlier over New Years. We were excited to see them and tell them congrats, but we were also terrified and in total personal disarray because of our sudden news too.

After the game, us 4 went out to get a drink. I got a diet coke; I didn't know what I was supposed to do. K asked the new groom what he'd been up to. He said, triumphantly, "We just got married, bitch! Beat that!" K and I laughed nervously and glanced at each other. Did getting pregnant beat getting married? Or vice versa? Maybe we could 'beat that' after all. However, we said we were up to nothing and had a slow holiday.

Do you know what day I had ovulated? Christmas Day.
Did you know that we had made two different huge plans over Christmas that year, both of which had fallen though, so we instead opted to stay home for a quiet and relaxing holiday instead?
Plan 1: We were on a Habitat for Humanity team going to Ethiopia, but we couldn't secure the funds, so we had to pull out. Plan 2: We had booked our first-ever cruise on a boat called the Carnival Splendor...which if you recall in the news, caught fire about a month and a half before our trip and our cruise was cancelled.

So guess what happened instead? Baby C. I totally fit into all the stereotypes about "just relaxing" and you'll get pregnant. It was BS. I was kind of mad at that too.

As truthful as that test ended up being, and as sure as my daughter is now sitting in my lap as I'm typing this - a part of me still can't believe that I ever got a positive pregnancy test.

My life completely changed a year ago on Friday. And because I couldn't then appreciate the magnitude of the day, I'm appreciating it today instead.

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