Tuesday, Jan. 03, 2012 2:15 p.m.

another episode and thinking of #2

I've been having another one of these episodes/illnesses the past coupe days. Yes, K's been telling me this for years - but I need to see a doctor. The reason I've avoided a doctor is several-fold.

1) I don't even have a personal doctor and I can't make an appointment as a brand new patient and say "hey, I know you don't know me at all, but I need to be seen asap". It wouldn't happen. I need to find a doctor and become an established patient first. And that's so much work, especially when, after every one of these little things I tell myself that it'll probably be the last and I shouldn't worry about it.

2) I'm not going to the emergency room either. The ER is for actual "need medical care NOW" type patients. I'm afraid the ER would laugh at me and wonder why I was not seeing my normal doctor. Or they'd just tell me I was having a migraine. Or some other simple and easy diagnoses in order to get me on my way.

3) I'm afraid of not being taken seriously. It's taken years of having these things to even be able to barely describe them. I don't know what causes them, and I don't know exactly what I feel or what's going in in my body, so I don't know how I could explain it to a doctor either. And then I'm afraid that a doctor would only pick up on a couple of key words...instead of actually listening to what I'm trying to describe...and misdiagnose me.

4) It's not that I don't trust doctors. It's that I understand that their job is to problem solve as simply as they can. And while not all doctors are like this, I've unfortunately found that a lot of doctors have a bit of an ego - they don't want a patient to question a diagnosis. And I most likely will be questioning any of the simple diagnoses I could be given; I feel that I know my body pretty well and need to have a doctor who is willing to work with me to find an answer. Not just give me one.

5) I'm slightly afraid of what I could hear. I'm afraid someone will chalk it up to simply "anxiety attacks". While I do think that low-lying stress could be playing a part in this...there definitely some kind of physical component to it too. I'm afraid that they'll tell me I have blood clots and that I'll forever be tainted with this diagnoses and never be allowed to say, have another home birth or something. If I do truly have blood clots, then of course I'll accept that - but I just don't want to receive a misdiagnoses of that if it isn't what is actually happening.

What do I think is happening? My latest theory is that has something to do with a possible iron deficiency. After Baby C was born, when I blacked out in the pediatrician's office, it was determined that I had low iron. Not anemic. But low iron and I was prescribed iron pills. Of course. I also had done a lot of bleeding after the birth and had unknowingly stopped taking my prenatal pills that contained iron. So that kind of makes sense. But apparently moderate to severe iron-deficient anemia can cause chest pain, difficulty breathing, and fatigue. Which also might make sense.

And considering that I usually get these attacks after a couple weeks of low-lying stress, I can kind of believe that maybe a poor diet and stress and lack of sleep slowly diminish my iron levels which lead to this.

But who knows? I really need to find a trustworthy doctor and go and see them.
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On Dec. 20, a day before we left for Colorado for our Grand Christmas Family Adventure, I found out that my sister was pregnant again. Her first kid was born almost a year ago exactly. I knew they'd sort of been trying since she got her period back, so I knew it could happen for them. And while, yes, I actually am really excited for her this time (unlike last time unfortunately), I don't know, a slight part of me was also sad. It ended up being really easy for them for #2.

Even though Baby C is only 3.5 months old, I'm already wondering about our #2, and if they'll be easy or not. Time is no longer on my side and if I want 2-3 kids...I can't let there be too big of a gap between them.

My OTHER sister just called me today. Apparently she's pregnant too. 9 weeks. She knew at Christmas and didn't tell anyone. (and in fact, my parents still don't know and she's telling them this weekend, so SHHHH...) They weren't trying, just not preventing.

While I'm also honestly very excited for both sisters now - is it weird to say that I'm also feeling some other kind of emotion too? Disappointment realizing how young they still are and how much I would have loved to have had a child while still in my 20s perhaps? Sadness at being reminded how easy it is for others, and how hard it was for us maybe? I don't know.

So I'm happy, I really am - but I'm also something else too.
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I'm interviewing babysitter this week to watch Baby C during the day while I'm teaching my live, online classes. K had been home for the past couple months, but now he's starting up a company with an old friend and will be working from an office. So I have to hire someone. And it's kind of freaking me out.

I have always been the babysitter in the past. I've also always been the person who swore they would never hire a nanny for their kids. After all, I'M their mother, shouldn't I be caring for them? I even took this job at this virtual school 3 years ago in hopes that I would be able to stay home with my kids...if I were to ever be blessed with them.

I guess I DO get to stay home with Baby C and that the babysitter will just be here for a 4 hrs a day or so. But still...why does this feel so very hard for me??

I LOVE my job, I really do. I want to keep working. But I also want to take care of my own kids myself. I always assumed that I'd be a stay-at-home mom rather than paying someone else to raise my kids for me. And we need the money too. But I just feel so nervous, and a little bit sad, about it all too.

And it makes me think about the future. If K does well at this new job - should I at some point soon quit my job to be a SAHM? What if we have another kid? What about when they start school? I kind of want to homeschool. How could I work and teach them at the same time? Without going crazy?
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And then I go back to thinking about #2. WAAAYY before I should ever start thinking about a #2. I'm just so worried that it will take us just as long...and that I'll then be too old to have any more after that.

Well...not too old physically, but older than I want to be giving birth and when risks of things like Down's and Autism raise significantly.
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Too much to think about. No wonder I'm having one of these little episodes right now.

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