Saturday, May. 04, 2013 12:33 a.m.

The Impossible, and death

I just watched The Impossible. I cried several times. Then I watched some real footage of the event.

It crazy how many more emotions I have and how much more I can cry now that I'm a mother. My mom used to always get teary eyed watching movies that had anything to do with kids. My sisters and I would make fun of her and she'd always say that we'd understand once we had kids.

I thought that was stupid and surely things couldn't change magically once I had a kid.

I don't think it was magic, but something did change.

I am way more emotional now. And that's ok. But now that I have this little kid, that I see every day, and all the cure gestures she does and words she tries to say, I'm just aware of how amazing and beautiful children are. It's not so much that they are 'innocent' but that they are new and fresh to the world. They have so much potential within them. That they are sweet, and learning, and well, ok, 'innocent'.

And I love being a mom. I love, love, love it. I love my daughter. Even if the unthinkable were to ever happen, I just am so so so thankful to have had her for the time that I have so far.

I hope to have as many children as I'm able to in my life.

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Childbirth was such an interesting experience for me. Especially doing it naturally, without pain meds. It was incredibly intense. It hurt. No doubt about that. I had never been through anything before similar to that. It was so much more of a mental process than I realized it would be. Forcing myself to grit my teeth and bear through the pain took a lot of mental dedication. Making myself stay calm and take the contractions as they came required a focus that I'd never given before.

It was tough. But somehow it wasn't as impossible as I thought it was going to be either.

Afterward, and still to this day, I couldn't believe that I have given birth naturally. But somehow, it's made me feel like I'm capable of more than I typically give myself credit for.

It was a very intense experience. It really was transformative for me.

This may sound strange, but for some reason, for me to have gone through the birth experience, makes me feel closer to the eventual experience of death too. I need to figure out how to describe this better - but immediately after giving birth, I felt a better understanding/acceptance of other future transformative events...like death.

I previously never really could imagine what it'd be like to go through labor/birth - just as I now can't really imagine what it'll be like to do through dying/death. But I somehow managed to go through birth, and I someday will inevitably also go through death.

Though it hurt, I was surprisingly calm about accepting the reality of the birth of my daughter in the moment. I don't know for sure how it will happen, but I won't be surprised if I'm also calm and accepting in the moment of my death as well.

I do, however, wonder how I will die. I hope it will be quick, and not a too terrifying of an ordeal.

I guess I'll find out one day.

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