Thursday, May. 23, 2013 11:54 p.m.

"We're not destitute, not yet."

For some reason, I tend to apply quotes from the 1994 film Little Women to my life. Maybe it's because I had all sisters growing up. Maybe it's because I like Civil War reenacting and so I feel a connection to that time period. Maybe it's because I always secretly wanted to be a writer and thought it was cool that Jo because a writer and became famous for writing a story on her own true upbringing.

Whatever it may be, I sometimes find myself using quotes from that movie to describe specific phases of my life. I ket replaying in my mind and use "Oh Meg, why didn't you tell me? People don't speak of such things." when I was pregnant.

And now, for the past several months of my life, I've been replying the scene where Meg gives Amy some money to buy limes to take to school. Jo is aghast and this and Meg responds to her, "We're not destitute. Not yet."

I've been thinking this myself to awhile. Yes, we may have been having some financial troubles the past 8 or 9 months, but we weren't 'destitute'. Things were on their way to working out. We could be frugal without doing "without any little luxuries" (also taken from the movie). It's been a struggle, but we've been managing to survive on my small teacher's salary. We've kept up hope, we kept thinking that good times, and most importantly, [i]money[/i] was right around the corner. We indulged in small luxuries, even if we couldn't afford any big ones.

However, in the next couple weeks, it will all change. I think we are actually becoming destitute.

It is my extreme hope and prayer that this is just a difficult stage of life for us and that we will overcome this and will once day look back on it as something that make us stronger. But right in this particular moment, it is hard to see a future. All I keep track of is what I know. And all I know is now.

A couple days ago, I got a call from my old college. They like to call alumni and pretty much ask us for money. I don't really care, it's just someone's job. Someone being a college student. I briefly chatted with the girl on the phone and mentioned that I'd be back for Homecoming this year and how I can't believe it's been 10 years since I graduated. I told her that during Homecoming my senior year, a 10 yr alumni mentioned to me how fast it had gone...and how amazing it it now to me that all those years have indeed past and it's now MY turn to be part of the "Coming Home" court.

The student on the phone seemed stressed at this, saying, "Oh no, I hope it doesn't go that fast". And I was thinking that this poor girl on the phone probably dreads the thought of growing up. And I told her "It's not really that bad. You don't feel any different being older. It's just amazing how time passes". I didn't think of it at the time, but I should've told her "Some amazing things in your life happen in the 10 years after college: don't dread it; look forward to it". But I didn't. I probably didn't sound inspiring at all. That girl is probably freaking out right now thinking that she's getting old too fast.

Pfft.

Whatever.

I suppose she thinks I'm hideously old, being 32 and all. Whatever. She knows nothing. I'm not old yet. I'm getting closer to being old, but I'm not yet. I can still be fashionable, I can still be pretty, I still have energy (when I'm not depressed about the current state of our lives that is), I can still have fun.

But once upon a time, I was just like her too.

Whatever. Let her think whatever she wants to think. I am who I am and we all age slowly and I truly believe that the sooner we accept that inevitably instead of trying to resist against it, the happier we'll be.

We are one age but for a moment. We live it, and then it's a memory. And before we know it, we die. It will happen to me one day, and it will happen to that girl I was talking to on the phone one day too. At least I've come to terms with it and can move on.

However, none of this detracts from the fact that come June - K and I will pretty much be DESTITUTE.

As a teacher, I don't paid during the summer. I "thought" K would've started his job months ago, hence why we decided that I would apply for any summer jobs. Now we're stuck. It's too late for me to apply for summer jobs and K still doesn't have one. We will have ZERO income for half of June and all of July. I really do not know what to do.

We have no savings. We have nothing. We've been living paycheck-to-paycheck the past 8 or 9 months already. We have nothing. We'll talk to the landlord, ask what we can do. I imagine that the eviction process and then finding new tenants would be more of a hassle for him than waiting two months for the next rent check? I hope this is the case. I hope our landlord doesn't kick us out.

We can't pay rent next month. Not if we want to eat too.

I've been working on a list of things we can do to survive the summer. K gets incredibly stressed by all of this, so I have to be careful how I bring it up. I think next week, the official end of the month, K and I will being implementing some of these things. They will be extreme. We have no choice.

I'll work it out with K, of course, but I'm thinking that we'll have to get rid of satellite/tv. We can watch things on our computers. We'll have to sell anything we can think of that is non-essential. Our patio table I just bought and re-painted may go. C's outdoor play area may go; that baby fence and slide and foam tiles may bring in some money. I'm even willing to sell our bedroom set (and just keep the mattress), but I think K will be against this. I have some bookcases I can sell. We'll sell any baby stuff that we were holding onto for a possible second kid (no luck on that yet; if it happens someday we can always re-buy at other garage sales). We don't have a lot, but truthfully, there's so little that we actually need anyways.

We'll turn in recycling for money. I'll become an extreme couponer. We'll sell our washer/dryer. Go to the laundrymat instead. Dry clothes outside.

I don't know exactly, but this summer is likely going to be like one we've never know.

We can't get government assistance. K hasn't been eligible for unemployment and we haven't done our tax returns yet this year (we can't afford to pay the taxes we know we'll owe, so we filled an extension instead), so we can't claim any assistance through anything without the legal documents.

We are basically just screwed.
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Please, if there is a future self of mine that is coming back to read this entry, please tell me it will all work out someday. Please tell me that this is just a phase and that it will pass. Please tell me that we are destined to be more than this. Please tell me that we will not end our lives as destitutes.

I have to believe that this is not all our lives were meant for.
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We're not destitute, right? Not yet?

But we may be soon.

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