Wednesday, Jun. 26, 2013 1:09 p.m.

ROUGH DRAFT

I need to define and designate this past almost-year as a separate chapter of my life.

I should call it: The Natural Regression Toward Progression.

Ha ha, dumb name, but it makes sense I suppose.

I feel like a lot has changed since September 2012. My life has totally changed...um, I think saying that my "lifestyle" has changed is a better description.

In terms of what's considered "modernity", I guess some would consider this to be a REGRESSION. But, in my own mind, I feel like I've had to strip away everything unimportant and really come to the important things in like. And so to me, it seems to have been a PROGRESSIVE journey.

I'm going back to the basics.

What's now important to me? Tangible things. Real things.

And even Spiritual things.

What? How can something "spiritual" be "tangible"? That's the good question.

Deep down, way back, before it all, I believe that there is something foundationally supernatural out there. A God. A something. I don't know what and I may never know. Humans describe it in many different ways and choose many different path to acknowledge it. This supernatural thing/power/existence is sometimes explained through several deities, or just one.

I don't know the truth of what exactly this supernatural "god" is, but I do feel strongly that it's there. Something that we can't understand.

And so I'm choosing to acknowledge this.

That humans are limited, and will forever be limited, in their knowledge.

That all we can do is do the best that we can while we're here to be the best person that we can.

Since I became interested in Civil War reenacting and truly diving in and trying to understand how people lived their lives 150 years before me, I have been becoming increasingly ecclesiastical. And by that term I specifically an referring to the book of Ecclesiastes, Ch. 1.

[i]The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun[/i]

Meaningless, meaningless, all is meaningless.

I am but a drop on the timeline of history.

We tend to think that technology is the greatest thing in the world and that we couldn't exist without it. We look back on previous generations and exclaim that we could not possibly survive then because they didn't have x, y, or z.

Heck, we even look back to before there was text messaging or internet on our cell phones and think that was the dark ages.

Meaningless, meaningless, all is meaningless.

I have begun to be repulsed by technology.

K gets these magazines like Time and Wired and they sit in our bathroom and I read them when I poop. And every time I read about the latest and greatest technology and how we'll soon be controlling computers with our eyes...instead of being fascinated by these new advancements and the score of human advancement - I cringe.

Are these gadgets really doing ANYTHING to better our human experience.

OH, and don't start going into the "but what if can cure cancer" spiel. That is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the actual EXPERIENCE of being alive for the short time that we get to.

Sure, technology may be able to lengthen our lives, but of what worth is a longer life if it is not a happy, fulfilled one?

Egg donating, infertility, pregnancy, and now raising my daughter have steered me even further down this "regressive" path I'm now heading down.

I regret doing the egg donations that I did. I do. I feel awful saying that and having changed my opinion so greatly on this, but when I look back - I feel like I played God. And that was wrong.

I have a daughter now. I love her because I raise her and I teach her and I'm responsible for her and I know everything about her. But I also love her because she is my offspring. She is genetically related to me. She exists because of K and I. She is a combination of myself and the man I have chosen to love and spend my life with. The gift of being able to have created life is an enormous one. I do not take it lightly and it is with EXTREME pride and joy that I view my family that I have created with K.

The reproductive ability of humankind if a gift from God. Whatever God or other supernatural power that there is. It's a gift from above.

I have also come to embrace the idea that whatever happens, happens.

I accept that I will die one day. I accept that K and C and my mom and my dad and sisters will die one day. I believe that there may be a life after this...or there may not be. But if there's not, then we won't won't know anyway, 'cause we'll be dead.

So I'm going to live my life now like there is something after. Why not?

I also accept that earlier this month, for a really short time, I was beginning to develop a new life inside me. And I accept that that potential new life is gone.

God willing, I will have another one day. And if not, I won't.

I am now comfortable - and in fact, somewhat excited - to be able to relinquish control of the events in my life to a higher power.

What happens, is meant to happen. I do not have he ability to see into my future and where this life will take me. I am unable to know if all the pieces of my life will one day piece together. They may work out amazingly, they may not. Either way, I'm now trusting something greater than myself to make sense of it. I will just continue to do the best I can with what I have and life life the best I can.

In a way, this entry has become an admission of faith. A salvation. of sorts.

I still do not belive exactly what any of the popular established religions believe and still don't know where I fit in. But what I do know is that I beleive something.

This is a good first step.

Technology is meaning less and less to me. I find myself reacing more about the basics of life. I'm strangly becomng more and mre what people like to call "crunchy" . And I hate tha tthis is a fad, as though I'm just following what's becoing popular.

It's just that I'm becoming overwhlemed with life and wan to cut out all the unnecessarl noise. Much of moder technologu is noise.

Noise noise noise, all is noise.

My daughter is waking from her nap. I must go. There is more to say but getting this out has been nice.

I feel as though I'm on the brink of making a huge change in my life. I just wish that K would want to go along with it too. I don't think the convition has hit him and I really care about our marriage too and don't want us to pull two different difrections.

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