Friday, Jun. 14, 2013 12:39 a.m.
it is what it is
Someday, when our lives work out and we're settled and rich and I no longer work and K has a semi-reliable job and I can actually be that stay-at-home-mom and homemaker that I secretly want to be - I wonder if a tiny part of me ill ever miss these months. These regular evenings of half-tipsy survival relaxation. Of living in the moment because I have no other choice. Of just existing, of hoping, constantly hoping, that our big break is right wound the corner and that our lives are on the brink of being amazing.
Will I ever miss this? I can't imagine why, but I know that we sometimes understand and see the past differently in reflection. Maybe I will one day see now as a unique and special time.
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A couple months ago, I found an online relationship course that was offering its program for free as part of a study. I somehow convince K to sign up and do it with me and we finished it 3-4 weeks ago or so.
It was such a great thing for our relationship. I'm serious. It was like marriage counseling, but we got to do it on our own terms, at home, individually (and not together in front of a counselor) AND not only was it free, but we actually got paid a little win. Overall, it was win-win-win-win all around.
(Ourrelationship.com, in case anyone is curious)
I'm sure there were things that I have changed in my attitude and perspective too, but I'll be honest, I've seen a big change in K. A change that has allowed me to make changes too. Mostly, he's become more patient with me, and more understanding that I really do love him and want to do good by him.
I am just really, really thankful that he even agreed to do the program with me in the first place. That was the hardest part, just finding a way to approach the idea of doing it without him getting angry and refusing to do so.
I really do love him a lot.
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My last day of the school year is tomorrow. I don't have a job for the summer. K still doesn't have a job either. He was once again strung along by some financiers and he thought he was going back to work months ago. Sigh. Oh well. We've become so incredibly jaded and thick-skinned to all of this by now.
It all sucks. But we still go on.
I had to borrow money from my parents to make it through the summer. Never ever done that before. I've always been the independent type, and never borrowed money from my parents before.
But there does sometimes come a point in a person's life where your pride has to be thrown out the window. And we've reached that point. We've long reached that point. We're in survival mode. We don't have time for pride.
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I'm tired (thanks alcohol for making me sleepy!) and need to go to bed!
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.