Friday, Jul. 11, 2014 2:11 p.m.

leap of faith

I got offered a new job. The job I interviewed for last year and didn't get. The job I've felt I should naturally progress to, especially with two kids now. A job with a better working environment and where I believe I would be much happier. A job that I feel is the right step for me right now. A job that I don't want to turn down, as it would probably never be offered again.

Another at-home job, but one where my kids would not have to be put in childcare and I could work around their schedules. A job I could live anywhere in the country and still have (my current job limits me to CA); this gives me the freedom to move to another state if we ever needed to.

So much about this job is so right for our family.

Except that it's only part-time. It may go full time sometime later in the school year, depending on student enrollment, but I have no guarantee at this point.

I feel like taking this job is what I need to do. I feel like it's the job I'm supposed to have. Something about it just feels "right".

But again, it's only part time. I don't know the exact salary yet...but it would likely be cut in half from my current salary.

Though K is temporarily working, the position is only extended in 2 week chunks of time. He'd obviously like for it to turn permanent, but he doesn't know if that will happen or if the company is planning to hire for full-time.

So I am, of course, like it's been the past two years, still the primary breadwinner.

But I don't want to be the primary breadwinner anymore. K knows this. It does stress him out some. I know that he'd like for me to not have to work (or only work part time) and for him to bring in more income. But still, I am tired of being the breadwinner. I am tired of the weight of all this being on my shoulders and having to sacrifice for this.

I have an excellent job opportunity ahead of me, and I want to take it.

I want to make this leap of faith. I believe that it will work out somehow. It is the right job for me at this right time.

It will work out. *I* will make it work out. Even if I end up having to take a second job, *I* will make it work out. *I'll* still take on the responsibility of providing for this family. No matter what it takes.

I love my husband, I do, and I know he doesn't like his situation either, but can I have a selfish moment here for a moment? I have spent the last 2 years working at a job I didn't really like anymore, in order to support him while he chases his dreams. I started a blog in January of this year, and I've also just invented a new product (and filed for a patent on it), but before these two things - I have basically given up all of myself in support of his dreams. I lost my identity to his dreams...and well, a little to motherhood as well. When is it MY turn to chase MY dreams? I sound horrible saying this, but I wish he'd just buck up and do whatever it takes to take on the responsibility himself and now give me the opportunity to chase my dreams instead.

(And without getting all passive-aggressive about it either and taking the worst job he could find in order to somehow throw it back at me and try to make me feel guilty for "forcing" him into a job he hates. Ugh. I think I've been giving into the P-A thing for too long and you know what? I'm just over it now. Do what you want. I'm not going to be nice and feel sorry anymore...but anyways, I'm majorly digressing here...)

I mean, what would he be doing right now if he were single, and didn't have me for financial support? He'd have to find a way to survive, on his own.

If I were single, or even single with 2 kids, would I take this part-time job? Yes. I would. I would find additional work in the meantime, and hope that it later turned full time, and if I really had to, I'd move back home to my parents house for a short while until I could financially make it work. I'd still take this job. I'd still take this leap of faith that this is the right job for me.

I told K that if I had to turn down this job, against my better judgement, but then a week or two later he was offered a full-time position somewhere - that I would hold it against him. And I would. And honestly, I might even resent him some.

It would be the ultimate betrayal of my own individuality.

I don't want that to happen.

I don't want to let this opportunity pass me up.

I want to take this leap of faith.

And I don't want him to hold me back.

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