Thursday, Jul. 25, 2013 10:42 a.m.

the deadline for change is approaching

Last week we were in Michigan visiting K's family. They bought our plane tickets.

There were a few days last week where things were going well. The future was actually looking promising, and K and I were happy. Happier than we've been in a really, really, freaking long time. We had sex several times at his parents house. In the shower. During the day. Whatever and whenever we wanted. We were happy. We kissed in public. We were affectionate.

I can't even pinpoint what cause that sudden change, but it was GREAT, and I savored every drop of it. I assumed, just like anything remotely hopeful in our life, that it wasn't going to last long, so I drank up every drop. I could care less what other's thought of our PDA. I was going to take it while I could get it.

Then we came home.

I put C in her crib with some toys. It's an hour before her nap time, but I just don't want to deal with a toddler right now. I've become a crappy mom; the kind I never, ever thought I'd become.

You always hear about how difficult the early days of having an infant are. But to be honest, I wish I could go back in time to those baby days. Yes, babies cry, but toddlers scream and whine and throw tantrums. Yes, babies wake up during the night, but babies take a bunch of naps during the day whereas toddler spend the vast majority of the day running around with non-stop energy and capacity to get into trouble. Yes, babies are a bit boring and don't really do anything, but babies at least lay there on a blanket and don't go anywhere. Toddler never sit still.

Potty training was a flop. Well, I suppose we're still working on it and getting somewhere, but I was really determined earlier this summer to get it done. You know the whole hard core 3 day method and all. I think it backfired. I wanted it to much. And it only frustrated me and made me angry and I found myself getting frustrated and angry at C. Yeah, also not how I want to be as a mom.

We told ourselves earlier this month that we'd make a final decision about things by the end of July. It's almost the end of July. And actually, I just feel even more stuck in this same rut. We can't leave and we can't stay.

I had applied for a part-time online teaching job (that I could be located anywhere in the U.S. and have) and interviewed and thought I did really well. I usually do well in interviews and almost always get offered a job if I make it to the interview, so I guess I just assumed that I'd be offered this job. I wasn't. And I both feel stupid for my ASSumption that I'd get the job, and even more confused about what decision to make by the end of July.

I was supposed to get this part-time job so that if we chose to move to Texas and K could work at my dad's company (my dad's already offered the position to K if we need it). But now that I didn't get that job, I feel like it's not feasible for us to move to Texas. I don't think we could/would want to survive on just what my dad could pay K.

The good things that we heard about some of K's projects are exciting, but also not. A friend had picked us up from the airport on Monday and told K congrats and that she heard that he got a job on a show.

It's funny what people think and what actually is.

No, K did not "get a job". He was selected to help create a show to pitch to networks. It's not like there's any pay in this. There isn't. This isn't even K's first show idea pitch to networks. Earlier in the spring, I got all excited about that other project. It didn't happen. K didn't get paid for any of his work on it. K won't get paid for any of his work on this show, unless it get's picked up or a pilot ordered. But I don't really have any hope left in me to even think that this show could happen over any of his other projects that are out there but haven't gotten him any money yet...so I'm not very optimistic that this is going to get him any money either. Just more work for no pay in hopes that it will one day pay.

And even if there is that one day, it will be many months off in the future. I can't think about several months away. We're still working on surviving NOW. If it doesn't help us NOW, then I guess what's the point?

I wasn't always like this. In fact, I'd say that on the whole, I've been an extremely optimistic and hopeful person about K's career. For years. I've encouraged him. I've supported him. I've believed in him. I still do believe in him. What I no longer believe in is this entertainment industry.

I recently read the story of Phil Vischer and Big Idea Productions, which are the people who created Veggie Tales. They were this big booming business...and then they went bankrupt. They were actually a Christian company and Veggie Tales was a high-quality Christian cartoon series. It seemed to be this awesome God-sanctioned company. And then it failed.

How could that happen? Was a mistake made? Where did things go wrong? Here's the thing - nothing did. It was just a conglomeration of crappy timing of many different things. That's what brought a great thing down.

And that's what's brought K and I down. A conglomeration of crappy timing of many different things. There is nothing to pinpoint as the one thing that caused all this. I wish there were, but there is not.

K has another project out there right now (actually he has several, but at this moment, there's two main ones). Personally, I find this one to be the most promising. I like the concept, people seem to be interested, and I think it'd be easier to sell. [it'd also completely change our lives and forever eliminate our financial troubles if it actually became a successful show...but that's putting the cart before the horse, so I don't want to let myself think about that too much.] But again, IF (IF, IF, IF - if is an important word here!) things do take off on this project, it would also be several months until K would see any money whatsoever from it.

I'm just so over this waiting game. Wait, wait, wait and be dissapointed. Nothing goes anywhere. Even things that look for certain, like the deal that was supposed to go through for K's old producing partner so they could start their company back up, fall through. I'm just over the uncertainty.

We once again cannot make rent. The money my dad lent me to get through the summer is gone. I start work next week and I think/hope that I'll get paid right at the beginning of August. If not, well, we have to hold off on sending rent until I get a paycheck.

The 1-year financial need deferment I placed on my student loan is up in October. I'll have to pay all the back interest too. I don't know how this will happen.

We never did our taxes in April. K filed for an extension, as, at the time, we thought that the deal with that production company was right around the corner and so we were waiting for money to come in from that so we could pay the taxes. Kyle didn't have his taxes taken out of his paycheck last year - his producing partner/employer was just going to cover all the takes in a lump sum. Or something like that. I didn't get into the details of K's deal at the time. And now we're left in this strange position. Screwed. I don't know how much we'll owe once we do finally have to pay. I really don't. Over $10,000 I'm sure.

Did I mentioned that we're screwed?

We're screwed.

I've looked into it a little, but I need to look into it more. But I wonder if bankruptcy would be a viable option for us?

Because we have not filed our 2012 taxes yet, I am unable to apply for any income-based need programs. And even if we had done our taxes, because we were making decent money until Sept. 2012, it will still look as though we have way more money that we actually do. Maybe next year, when I can submit our 2013 tax info, we'll look as poor on paper as we actually are. (although maybe, hopefully by that time something of K's will sell and we'll be rich an not care anyway).

Also, because the way K was getting paid at his last job and how it wasn't reported as income or taxes paid from it, K is ineligible for unemployment. If he was on unemployment, I could also apply for some hardship or financial-need based things, but without unemployment either, I have nothing to prove our need with.

Again. Screwed.

This is clearly a bit (ok, a lot) of a difficult and emotional thing to discuss with K. He's discourage about everything and doesn't want to go into the details of it all. It's too overwhelming for him. Afterall, he's still trying to work and get his projects sold. He doesn't want to be or act desperate. He needs to keep up his confidence, so all of this is swept under the wrong. When I try to bring it up, he says he doesn't want to talk about it right now.

I get that. I don't want to talk about it either. But it has to be talked about. It is almost the end of July. We need to decide things. Concretely. I'm sick of making 'deadlines' but then not following through with them. I'm sticking to this deadline.

I cannot do this wait-and-see thing anymore. I don't have it in me any more. I just don't care. I'm tired of being duped into the delusion of hope. I'm not in my early 20s anymore. I don't have my entire life ahead of me anymore. I'm now eating into precious years of a life I don't know how long I will have of. I can't do this anymore. I am now a mom and I want more kids, but I don't have forever to have them. I want to be settled. I can't fly by the seat of my pants anymore. I refuse to. It's driving me crazy and making me depressed.

Something HAS.TO.BE.DECIDED soon.

K, who doesn't want to deal with things, will just say "fine, let's just move to Texas". But this won't solve the problem. We have some serious financial problem to work out. Moving to a new state, where only one of us will have a low-paying job, will not solve a thing. It will just make K even more depressed and we will be no where better it.

What we need to do is work out our money. Have a huge garage sale and sell off everything unnecessary. Get.rid.of.satellite. Maybe sell the tv (ok, not really. K would never go for this). If we're not going to move to a new state to start over, then we need to start over where we are.

I've been couponing for a couple months now. Lately, I've even subscribed to several money-saving blogs. I'm notified and I sign up for EVERYTHING that I can: every free sample, every discount or coupon program, every sweepstakes, every promotion. I'm selling myself out in a huge way to brand name companies. I've started spending hours online and on my phone, figuring out how to save a tiny bit here and there. I've discovered Viggle, Swagbucks, Sweepstakes, Cartwheel, Ibotta, and more. In the long run, while I'm saving quite a bit, I'm not really saving much compared to the time I'm putting in. But at least I feel like I'm doing something. That I can cut down and control something.

I think I've started to see just a glimpse into what must drive a hoarder to keep buying stuff they don't have a need or use for. When I know I can get a good deal on something, I want to buy it. Because I can. It may come in handy someday. Because I feel as though I somehow beat the system and won. Instead of feeling overcome with money issues, for just a moment, in that purchase, I felt like *I* was the one with the control.

I both want to purge and sell everything in my house, and then also hold on to everything just in case it's needed so that I don't have to spend more money and buy it again. So much of our crap isn't worth any money to anyone, so getting rid of stuff is essentially like losing money.

One thing's for sure though. If we ever get out of this mess, I don't think I will EVER pay retail for most items again. I will buy used whenever possible. Buying used has a much better investment. Say a patio set is $200 new. I can probably buy it used for $100, clean it, take good care it, and sell it again a few years later for $75. Going from new-to-used depreciates in value quickly, but going from used-to-used (as long as in good condition) most don't care. Heck, Several years back, I bought a kitchen cart of craigslist, took good care of it, cleaned it up, used it for several years, and then sold it for MORE than I had originally bought it for! Woohoo, not only did I get to use it for years for free, I actually made money off of it!

I have not bought new clothes from the store in forever. Not even underwear. I have the materials at my house to make new panties. Crazy, huh? They're easy to make and I have the stretch lace and everything. I just need to do it.

I actually like shopping at garage sales. I have this one sale that I discovered that I go to to buy clothes. The clothes come from a Nickledeon show wardrobe and are usually barely worn. Some are expensive name brand stuff. I recently bought a Juicy Couture sundress, unworn, with the tag still on it, that retailed at $80. I got it for $6 I think.

Plus when I shop at garage sales, I can just unique items. And just the search for treasure at sales is fun. (It also helps that I can sew and spruce things up if necessary.)

I've been typing for almost an hour and a half. I started this entry with tears in my eyes, but now I'm actually feeling ok. It's good to vent, and to talk to someone.

Thanks Diaryland, for being my friend and listening to me! Lord knows I don't have anyone else to talk to.

I always see on tv/movies, or read about online, or see women who get together on a semi-regular basis and hang out to talk. Women who actually have groups of friends that they share things with. Does that really happen for most women? Do most women have that good group of girlfriends that they can talk to about with anything? If so, I'm envious.

I do not have any in-person friends. I truly don't. I suppose I used to have people that were K's friends that I used to call my friends to. Sure, I'd befriend the girlfriends/wives they'd bring into their life and we talk and socialize while at parties and things, but friends that I call us or grab lunch with or just gab to?? Yeah, I don't have those. I wish I did. I wish their were an online friend matching service like they have with dating sites.

I suppose I have mom groups on meetup.com. I'm semi involved with one or two and will go to events here and there. I'll see the same women and we'll talk about our kids or other polite topics of conversation, and then our kids will need a nap and one or both of us will leave. I don't make friends at these things. I watch my kid while talking to other women that have kids and we're in the same location at the same time. But that's about it.

I don't know how to make friends beyond that. How do you go from social conversation to close friend conversation? I'm really good at the social conversation part - I really, really suck at anything beyond that. I'm afraid to go out to lunch to grab coffee with someone. I think I've largely found people in this city to be too opinionated, and I inevitably accidentaly find some sore sport when I try to have a conversation with them which divides us. Really, I'd just like to find someone who is truly open-minded and willing to still like me and want to hang out with me even if I don't share all their opinions on life. I'm always so afraid that people will discontinue liking me or be willing to find anything good in me if they discover any ways that I'm different from them. I mean, I'm sure they'd continue tolerating me and being social with me - but I'm just always afraid that they wouldn't want to remain good friends with me.

I should probably try harder though to establish friendships. I'm sure there are other women at these mom groups in the same awkward social situation that I'm in too. Hopefully.

Although, considering that I have no clue where our lives our headed right now, or what we're doing, maybe it's not even worth it to put forth all the effort into making friends? After all, it's not like it's so far been worth the patience I've been putting into our financial situation.

Who knows.

I really wish it were possible to go to sleep and wake up when I knew something about my life.

Oh and as a side note, I should officially note that I'm starting to become a tiny bit bitter again about TTC. For some stupid reason, I just had this feeling that conceiving a second child was going to be easier and simpler than C. Now that so many people who had kids around C's age are now pregnant with, about to have, or have had, another child since then, it's kind of just pissing me off. How in the world do some people just end up pregnant whenever they want to?? I really don't understand it. How is it that people can actually time pregnancies? This just boggles my mind, I guess because this ability eludes us.

I suppose that I *did* get pregnant with #2 fairly unexpectedly back in May, but that doesn't really count, and and anything makes things worse. Why was *I* not able to hold onto that pregnancy? But other people can, or if they do miscarry, go on to conceive again quickly?

Not that we really should be getting pregnant in this completely uncertain point in our lives, but we really tried last month. Really tried. And I wanted it badly. I wanted the miscarriage to somehow 'heal' itself by getting pregnant again the month after. I really, really thought I was pregnant too. Just 'felt' it. Just 'knew' it. I even went and bought a "Big Sister" shirt for C and hid it away just in case it'd be needed and I could tell K by having C wear it. It was a really stupid thing to do at the time, and I'd never made that kind of brazen confident buy before while waiting to test, but I'm telling you, I just "felt" it last month.

I wasn't pregnant. Took several cheap pregnancy tests a day leading up to my period though. I just didn't believe it.

I don't know what to think now. I don't want to really try this month. I don't care. But I do care. I'm getting old!! Ideally, I'd want two more kids. I don't want to be having kids in my 40s. I know some women do this, but I don't want to. I really don't. I'm already way older than I ever thought I'd be with just one kid, I'd really like any future kids to come quickly so I can do this mothering thing all at once and have kids close in age.

It is not a good time to get pregnant. But no time ever is. And I'm just getting older and wasting months. Do I try or do I not?

I don't know.

But I don't know anything right now.

I hope some day I know something.

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