Saturday, Aug. 11, 2012 8:49 p.m.

invisiblity

K and I went to be audience members for a game show today. A game show where they choose contestants from the audience to play. We started watching the show when C was a newborn and it was just mindless entertainment in the morning.

A couple months ago, I saw that they were taping again and signed K and I up for tickets, thinking it'd be a fun date. The taping was today, and we went.

Everyone dresses in costumes and it takes FOREVER to get through lines and other processing before we actually get to the taping part. I knew this was not K's cup-of-tea, but he agreed to do it for me. We thought it'd be a fun date.

They do little pre-interviews beforehand and you have like 15 seconds to tell about yourself. Pretty much, they figure out who they want to pick at that point. I tried in my interview, I really did. I tried to be as peppy and as happy as possible.

Neither of us were picked. Neither of us were even considered. We were sat in an upper area of the audience that is hardly seen on camera. I had a hunch at that time that we wouldn't even be considered, but I hoped otherwise.

I did everything that told us. Jumped around and danced and smiled and laughed and clapped. I, along with everyone else in that audience, were like their little puppets, just doing whatever the heck they wanted in hopes of being chosen. It's stupid and I knew it was stupid, but I wanted to be chosen and possibility win something so I went along with it. K did too - but I wanted it more badly.

We're having a heat wave right now. It was over 100 here at our house. The vast majority of the time we had to wait beforehand for the show we were waiting outside, melting. But we all did it. We all did everything they wanted. All to be on a stupid show.

The babysitter arrived at our house at 11am, we got in line at the studios at noon. They started letting us in at 1pm for processing. We didn't get let into the studio until 2:30pm. Taping began around 3 and we got out of there around 4:40 and got back to our car around 5pm. We made it home at 5:30. The babysitter was very expensive.

All in all, while K and I did have a decent amount of fun for the first 45min-1hr of filing, when we thought/hoped that we still had a chance of being chosen - but overall and in looking back, the day seems kind of pointless. We had no chance, and we just sweated outside in costumes. And on top of having had to waste money on stuff for costumes the day before, we also spent a lot of money on a babysitter. I don't know why I even wanted to do it in the first place. I should've expected any other outcome.

But I had hoped for a different outcome. I had hoped that maybe we'd be chosen. That maybe *I'd* be chosen. That I'd be that somebody.

That I'd be someone. Anyone. Seen. Acknowledged.

And not invisible.

But I was invisible. I don't think I was ever even a consideration in a producers eye. I was, and am, just another person in the sea of people that exist.

I was bummed when we left. Disappointed. I knew I was dumb, and maybe selfish, for being disappointed, but I knew that it was more than just the fact that I wasn't picked. I knew I was really upset because I was once again (and as always) INVISIBLE.

I don't want to say that I'm unhappy or depressed. I mean, I've got an awesome daughter that I love to death. I have a roof over my head and food on my table. But I am kind of dying inside. I've known it for a couple years but, though I hate to admit it, it's gotten much worse since C was born and I have this new role: mother. I am chained to this role, and while I love my daughter's existence, I haven't really figured out if it's possible to still be my own person with my own wants and priorities anymore. I hardly ever leave the house anymore. It's too difficult to do with a baby. And in the past year, K has kind of decided on some things that he likes that I've given into (I probably shouldn't have, but at the time, it's often the best way to avoid a fight by just giving in and hoping the request fades after awhile. Only it hasn't and my giving into it originally only solidified things in his head as "the law of the land" that I must obey. I've dug myself into holes and it sucks, but I think it's futile to figure out a way out) that also make me feel trapped into staying in the house.

1) K had decided we're not allowed to wear shoes in the house. I like to have my shoes on; it makes me feel dressed and ready to start the day. I feel complete having shoes on. When I'm barefoot, I feel like it's too much work to put on shoes everytime I want to go outside, so I end up just staying inside except for absolute needed tips.

2) K had more recently decided that he won't allow the windows in the living room to be open at night because people can see in. This means both the blinds down and the curtains drawn. Closing ourselves in more. He already keeps the living room blinds down when he's home during the day so he can watch tv better. So pretty much, our house is always shut off from the outside world.

I like bright, sunny rooms. It makes me feel happy. I like going outside, I like feeling productive and that I can go in and out as needed because I'm already prepared with shoes on my feet. I hate feeling so trapped by these small, seemingly unimportant things.

And I hate that, not only was I invisible to the producers at the stupid game show today - but that I'm also invisible, and hidden, to the rest of the world too.

I walk down the street, I walk in a store, I post an entry on an anonymous online diary - and I am no one. Just a random passing person. No one sees me. No one knows me. I am invisible.

I am losing myself here people. Not loosing 'it' as this is all a very calm and gradual process without any mark turning point, but loosing myself. I feel myself slipping away. I am who the expectations of wife and mother deem me to be. I don't have a drive or passion that is entirely mine anymore.

Expect to maybe be on a game show and win something big. But I just proved today that it's futile for me to even try to accomplish that.

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