Thursday, Aug. 30, 2012 8:33 p.m.

seven year itch

I have been thinking about writing this entry for awhile now. This past month has been very busy with work, but I think I may finally have time to write tonight:

In a month, K and I will have been married for 7 years. 7 years. Yep, the supposed "seven year itch".

I think that when I was pregnant was the best time in our marriage. We were both just so happy and felt so in love. We were were excited about our upcoming arrival, yet because it was still the two of us, we still had the freedom to do whatever we wanted.

We both now love, love, love baby C and she brings us great happiness and joy - but it is as though we now get our greatest happiness from her - and no longer from each other. I suppose this is a natural outcome of parenthood; it's as though our love for each other stems from our love for baby C and not the other way around. I suppose this can be a good thing and it bonds us to our child...but it can also redefine our martial relationship if we let it.

We want more kids. We're starting to talk about trying again. We LOVE being parents. But being a parent absolutely divides our time away from being a spouse. And I don't think we've yet found the perfect balance between both roles.

We both love each other still. We always will. We are both anti-divorce (our own, at least) and that will never be an option for us, no matter how bad things could ever get. We are absolutely in it for the long haul.

However, with all this said:
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In the last several months, I've noticed a difference when we fight. I think I've even mentioned it here. Our fights don't end well, because well, they don't end. Too much gets brought up, too much that was previously 'swept under a rug' and ignored. I get flustered and can't stand up for myself; K gets angry and thinks that I'm passive-aggressive. It doesn't end well. So we'd rather not even fight and try to avoid serious confrontation. No, that doesn't actually get anything truly resolved, but it's best for us right now. I've mentioned going to see a counselor, just to help up find better ways to communicate during arguments, but once an argument passes, I'm too busy with other things in life to actually pursue going to talk to someone. Plus that just costs money, and that's hassle to make schedules work, and we'd have to find a babysitter. So yeah, more bother than it might be worth.
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I don't leave the house very often anymore. I don't have friends to hang out with, so I only really go anywhere with my family. Plus, I've have been plagued with absolutely awful acne the past many months and just never feel like going anywhere. So I hole up at home. I don't feel attractive. I'm not depressed or angry at being at home all the time - I've actually because a huge homebody - but I do feel too unattractive to really be part of the world sometimes.

I don't remember the last time I noticed a guy even remotely checking me out or anyone even remotely seeming interested in me, not necessarily in a sexual way, just even in a normal way. I have become used to being invisible.

But I of course miss feeling attractive or interesting. It can be a real confidence boost to feel so.

A week or so ago I had a dream that involved Mr. Miller and college 3-week boyfriend. In the dream, I was married to K. I knew I was married. But Mr. Miller and 3-week boyfriend were both interested in me and both wanted me. I found myself making out with one (shh - K if you read this, don't be mad; it was just a dream!), but feeling both bad for the other guy who didn't get me and guilty for not being with K. But to be honest, I also woke up from that dream feeling a confidence that I hadn't in a really long time. So what if it was a dream? At least in that dream (of my own self-delusional creation), I was desired. And that felt good.
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That's not to say that K doesn't ever desire me anymore. I'm sure he does. I still desire him. But things are just different when you are settled in and know each other so intimately well. We're not bored of each other and we really do love each other, there just isn't the same excitement.

It's something we all have to face and it's something that happens in marriage.

But I think the key is in how we deal with it and come out of it that matters.
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I've been really crazy busy with work the past month. I've pretty much been doing two people's jobs while I'm waiting for them to hire another person for our team. I'm also a work-at-home mom and have C at home with me all day. That adds up to about 3 full-time jobs. So I'm busy. Surprisingly not overly stressed. Just busy and surviving each day.

K and I spend time together, but don't spend time together. It's better than nothing and I do have him around, so I can't complain. He is a good man and will rub my feet and helps a lot with our daughter. So I can't complain. But we still don't spend much time together, alone, without a tv or computer or baby. Our paths don't always seems to cross at the right times and I know we both kind of miss each other and feel something is lacking, though we can't exactly name what it is.

We both always know that we're loved by the other, but deep down don't always feel

I know this, because K actually said to to me last night.
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I often have a drink or two before bed each night. I don't know why I often drink at night as I do, though I'll say that part of it is so that just in case K finds himself in the mood, that the alcohol will help me to better get in the mood as well. It's almost as though I'm worried that I can't be in the mood otherwise.

Stupid, huh?

But I think K may have had a drink or two last night (or was at least just feeling particularly forthcoming), just as I had had a drink or two and we actually talked a bit while lying in bed together. I don't remember how it came up. I know we were both trying to be snugglily, hoping we'd lead to other things, but something must have been said or alluded to and the mood was broken and we were once again stuck. He mentioned, sounding only half-serious, but I knew he was full-serious, that I didn't like him anymore. I told him that was stupid and that I both liked and loved him. I then told him that I didn't really feel like he liked me much either...or at the very least that he didn't like to kiss me anymore.

Nothing really came out of our semi-tipsy conversation other than acknowledgement. But still. Acknowledgement is the first step, right?
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K's been friends with the groom of the second wedding in this entry for many, many years. K knew him when he was still married to his first wife. Knew him when he had an affair. Knew him when he divorced his wife, moved to Hawaii to be with that new girl, and moved back to Cali after they broke up. K knew him when he met his 2nd wife and K still knows him now...as he's divorcing his 2nd wife.

Though I've never been privy to the guy talks they've had during this, I have been aware of who this guy is for the same amount of time as K and privy, via K, to the changes in his life over time. His history of failed relationships has always been an interestingly tragic one to me, especially the parallel of his failures to mine and K's successful marriage.

What makes our marriage last, and not others? To be honest, I think a lot of it has to do with our wants and expectations. Neither K or I will ever entertain the option of divorce, so when things get difficult (or when we go through the slower "7 year itch" times), we know we have to make it work and we have to find a way. There is no other option for us. I wonder if some people give up too soon, or at least start to entertain the idea of quitting which can quickly grow into an acceptance. Marriage is awesome and wonderful, but it is work and there will be hard times, much harder times than you might think. (It's kind of like parenthood in that way, come to think of it).
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K and I will make it. I have no doubts about this. You can bet on our marriage lasting.

But I also think that we've entered a new stage recently and that this "seven year itch thing might have some truth to it.
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Oh, and I'm home alone tonight. K's in Las Vegas with friends. I both miss him and am enjoying being alone.

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