Friday, Sept. 06, 2013 3:57 p.m.
more nothing
This is why my hate is starting to turn to loathing for K's industry. Seriously, can you just give up and get a real job? This is ridiculous to keep doing to yourself and to ourselves. What can I say to you to make you realize?
I sometimes get secretly angry at you for having gotten us into this position. I know that you hate that you got us into this position too, but you don't seem to do anything about it. You just keep hoping that things are about to change and get better. That's what annoys me. You say that you'll go and start looking for other jobs, but you don't, or if you apply, you don't take it seriously and follow up. You claim that you're too busy working on these stupid projects that don't actually pay you anything, but that you're hoping someday might - but I don't care about those stupid projects. I care about being able to make rent and pay our bills...and being able to go to my college 10-yr reunion next month.
I've been thinking about this reunion for literally OVER A DECADE! I was part of the homecoming court and will therefor have a special part in the reunion. I'll get to ride the parade and be presented at the football game. Well, supposedly that's what I'll get to do...
Because it is more and more looking as though I won't be able to afford the trip.
This is devastating to me. Stupid perhaps, but devastating. I have been thinking about this since I was a homecoming nominee in the fall of 2002. Almost 11 yrs ago. It is kind of a big deal to me.
I already had to give up the Gettysburg 150th trip this summer because we couldn't afford it. That was also a once-in-a-lifetime event. But I gave it up anyway. Do I really have to give up my 10yr college reunion too?
No, and I'm honestly not very excited about your show apparently sold to that network. You don't know how much you're supposed to get paid, and I, always assuming the worst (because the worst is always what happens, it seems) don't believe anything is real until the check has cashed. I's already been 2 weeks without details, I'm sure it'll be another 2 months, at the earliest, before money is seen. I don't care if it's supposed to not take that long, it will. Everything takes forever in your stupid business.
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Yesterday, at the doctor's office, the doctor asked me a bunch of new patient questions, one of which asked if I was depressed or ever suffered from depression. I said no, and as always, was completely believed. After all, I'm super friendly and bubbly when you meet me in person. But inside, the question stuck with me.
Our house is a disaster. It has been been for several weeks/months now. We don't pick up C's tpys at night, we just leave them on the floor. I largely ignore the dishes. K usually does them, or I begrudgingly do them once they start to stink. K does the laundry. I just don't have the motivation to do so. I don't make meals anymore. The thought of planning for food is too much work. I was doing a lot of couponing, but now I'm tired of that too. It's just too much work.
I'm sure my serious lack of motivation is an indication of my true mental state. Oh well.
By the way, the doctor's visit was largely unfruitful. If anything, now I have more questions. No baby was seen on the ultrasound, but apparently there was a flickering spot and the nurse was able to zone in on it and get a heartbeat? That makes no sense to me at all. I have to go back in a little over a week for another scan, but for right now, I just don't know what to think. I don't know if it's good or bad. I don't know if, or when, I am supposed to start planning for this new kid. I don't know how to fit it in to our already absolutely unsure and chaotic life.
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K just came home and told me some of the details. He sounds more optimistic than I. I mean, maaaybe some good could come out of this, but I'm unable to really see silver linings anymore.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.