Wednesday, Oct. 26, 2011 3:03 p.m.
feast or famine
Throughout our marriage, K and I have had an interesting relationship with money. And for K's career, we've also had an interesting relationship with success. It's kind of exhausting never really knowing what the future holds in his line of work. It's truly feast or famine.
You wanna know something funny? At the moment, both of our incomes are from the state. Doesn't that make us sound like degenerates? :) I'm getting state disability while on maternity leave; K is on unemployment after his tv show stopped production in May. I think we both thought (or rather, HOPED enough to believe otherwise) that something else would have come along by now.
We are optimistic, and his unemployment checks keep us afloat, and this is the nature of being a screenwriter and we're by no means alone in this city. K is a very hard worker and doesn't give up and is always writing something and has several projects in the works. You never know in this business if tomorrow is going to be your big break or not.
But now, especially with the birth of baby C, I think K is very stressed. We don't speak about it much, as there's no use in verbalizing it, but he feels as though he is supposed to be providing.
What's also funny is that 2011 is actually the most money he's ever made. Our tax return will show us in the 6 figures. But the truth is: we have no money. This month especially. Money should be coming in soon, especially our insurance reimbursement for our upfront and out-of-pocket home birth costs we've been paying the past several months. We're hoping for at least three grand. That will be nice.
But right now we're holding on to everything we've got, trying to spend as little as possible. Gone are the days of the occasional frivolous $15 here and $20 there. I think we took K's salary in early 2011 for granted. Oh well. It is the nature of this business. Next time, if there is a next time, we'll be better at saving.
I just wish that it didn't secretly stress both of us out and that it didn't hide as an underlier in our other arguments and frustrations.
I always seem to think that someday he'll be super successful and that money won't be a concern and that I'll look back on these days wishing I could tell myself that it'll get better.
We'll see if the future really holds that. But for now, I'm going to be content with the feast-or-famine life. Especially during the 'feast' times. :)
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.