Sunday, Oct. 30, 2011 9:52 p.m.

to work or not to work? and #2

I go back to work in two weeks. I'm nervous. It's going to come fast and I don't know if I'm ready. It will be so hard to concentrate on work and know that baby C is in the other room. I also can only barely keep just my regular day-to-day affairs in order as it is right now. Trying to re-tack on a full time job? Eeek. I hope I can handle this.

Hmm...but could I ever be a stay at home mom instead? That question has been on my mind the past couple weeks. On one hand, yeah, it'd be great! It'd be basically like I'm doing now while on leave. I could really have the freedom to take care of baby C, but at the same time, pursue my own hobbies as well. Then, as baby C turns into preschool C, I could take her out and actually DO things with her, and teach her things, and I'd truly get to see her grow up and be a part of her life.

But do I really want that? The past 6 weeks have been pretty lonely. I didn't even change out of my pjs today. I went to the store Friday (with baby C in tow) and realized that that was the first time I had left the house since the Saturday before. Almost an entire week had passed and I hadn't left the house. That's not right. And I don't want the opportunity to get stuck in that rut. So I need to work. But eh...I still work from home, so work or no work, I still probably will be spending way too much time at home in the near future, huh?

Not that any of this deliberation matters though. We need the money (see last entry). So back to work I go.

And I do love my job. Or at least I did, when I had the time to devote all the energy I wanted to it. I guess we'll see if anything has changed in these next few weeks.
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I haven't even figured out this one baby thing. But you know something crazy? I'm already starting to think about a second baby. It's like baby C suddenly ignited an addiction in me. I really like being a mom. I really like having a baby to figure out how to take care of. She's frustrating, of course. She cries a lot, and loudly, and it reverberates in your eardrums and you want to go crazy because you don't know what she wants or how to stop the noise.

But it's also so much fun. When she's all swaddled up, with her pacifier in her mouth, and actually sleeping soundly in her bed - I just go in there and stare. She's so cute. And so new in the world and oblivious to how it all works. She's so helpless and needy. And a lot of times, I just want to laugh. It's tough having a baby, but I am honestly having a blast.

So I just want to keep having babies.

Granted, yes, getting #1 was quite the struggle. I didn't know if we'd ever even get her. I'm thankful beyond belief for her. If she's all I ever have, I will still thank my lucky stars. #2+ may be ever harder and take even longer than #1 - who knows? - but I'm secretly already planning and thinking about #2. Am I crazy or what?

I'm also torn because here I am, at 6 weeks postpartum. This is usually when couples start having sex again after a birth and - even though not very common if you're breastfeeding, which I am - women have the potential to become fertile again. So it's usually about now when women start having to think about birth control again. So I feel like I need to start thinking about it.

It would NOT be a very good thing to get pregnant again soon. a) we have no money and K is already stressed over our current situation (see last entry) and having a kid. b) there's no way I could handle two children and a full-time job, and I need my full-time job (again, see last entry). c) ugh. I just want my body back to normal for awhile before going through all this again!

BUT, oh my gosh, I seriously am already wondering when we can start trying for #2. I feel like I missed out on my pregnancy this time around, since I never fully accepted it and dissociated myself from it, and I want a chance to fully experience it. I want to do labor over again too (no, I'm not insane!). I want to be more aware of the experience; I want to feel like I remember more from it. This past time around, everything seems so blurred in my head. I wish I had videoed more. I wish I would've taken more pictures. I wish I wouldn't have been so focused on being in my own bubble and instead been more appreciative and aware of the very beautiful experience of being a laboring woman.

It's so strange that this was all so recent still, only 6 weeks ago, but that it feels so far away and I'm already wanting it all over again.

Something must be wrong with me. :)

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