Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 9:58 a.m.
dreams of dying
Last night was filled with strange dreams. After the 3rd or 4th in a row (I'd wake up in-between), I stopped trying to make myself remember them so I could analyze them in the morning.
It started with me being trapped in a submerging boat and knowing I was about to drown, and then there were two quick dreams, each about realizing we forgot a different child in a hot car. And I feel like there were two other dreams, one I remember who was in it but not what happened, and I don't remember the details of the other dream, but I feel a separate emotion from it.
But the three dreams I remember took me right to points - not of the absolute horror itself - but of the realization of my hopelessness in their actuality.
I woke up K and told him I needed him to spoon me, which he, perhaps unconscionably, obliged to. That comfort must have helped end my stream of bad dreams and I eventually woke up in the morning fairly refreshed in spite of everything (Baby S sleeping through the night again finally also helped).
But still, I don't know why my mind was wandering the depths last night. I don't like doing that.
I still vividly remember that moment of going under water in my dream, telling myself to not panic, to remain calm, to methodically try to remove myself from my seat and swim up. I also vividly remember my legs not giving, being trapped, my mind continuing to focus on working out a solution while my instinct started counting down the limited time I had left to function without oxygen. Then I woke up. The experience was terrifyingly devoid of emotion, if that makes sense. I was calmer than you'd expect, accepting of my fate, and yet also angry at my helplessness and determined to give it my all to try to survive regardless of the outcome.
Like I said, it was a very vivid dream. It makes me wonder what my death one day really will be like. How will I go? I obviously won't be able to write out my feelings about it in a diary afterward.
I hope there's truly existence after death and we're given a more omniscient perspective than we have now.
Friday, Dec. 22, 2023 - not the story I planned to tell, part 1Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.