Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 1:06 a.m.
changing. and I need to go to bed.
I like the clarity and quiet of late nights. But I don't like them the next morning.
I like silence. I like being able to focus. I like having a drink of alcohol in the evenings. I was just looking up online if alcohol can help you focus, because I really do think that for me, somehow, in some weird way, a little bit of alcohol helps calm my brain so that I can focus and think.
And I like being able to think. It's sometimes hard to think during the day where there are like 3 different things making noise at any given moment: C talking or whining, S crying to be picked up, the tv on, music playing, C playing a game on the Kindle or just banging toys around. My brain hurts during the day sometimes and I just try to tune everything out and let the hours pass until it's night again and I can think.
Who knows if K's job will keep on keeping up, bit for the time being it is and for the time being I'm going to live like it will continue.
I feel like we're starting to climb out of this difficult time in our lives. Things are changing. I can feel it. Things are happening, or rather are being set in place to happen. And strangely, amongst all of it, I'm embracing a side of myself I haven't embraced in years and years and years. Some kind of religion. It's not an emotional response. It's like I'm giving in to a truth of life I always kind of knew but didn't want to give into until I was ready.
I'm not going to say I had to hit rock bottom, because it was never rock bottom. Things could have always been worse. But it was pretty low. I had to give up. I had to realize what was important in life. When it felt like there was nothing left, then I was able to just give in to what I might not know for sure, but that I was going to go for anyways.
Life is not as awesome or as glamorous or as full of knowledge as we somehow tell ourselves it should be. Life is rough. We have little go truly go off of. And we can despair in that, or we can seek out higher knowledge outside of ourselves.
Life is short and will be over in a blink of an eye. But I want to believe that it means something more. And I think that I *want* to believe in more for a reason. I think it's possible for there to be more. And I think it won't harm me to believe in more. So I'm going to believe. No, I don't know if it's true - that's why it's "belief". But I'm choosing to believe it. I'm choosing to think there's something greater than me.
And it feels right to think this way. Something just feels right.
I don't know what life will bring me in the future, and yes, things may only get worse from here. But my perspective has changed somehow.
It's no longer baout what I'm lacking. It's now about what I have.
Friday, Dec. 22, 2023 - not the story I planned to tell, part 1
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.