2002-01-05 11:50 a.m.

life is stupid!! what else is there to say?

OK, life is just stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not depressed right now, but I'm terribly apathetic. Which I know is the first stage of being depressed, so I'm not all too excited and I'm seriously hoping not to get depressed here soon. I've been doing so good.

I've decided I can't stay in one place for too long. I've been at home for 3 weeks now and it's very much worn off. I'm honestly scared to death of going out to LA, but I can't wait to get away from home. Home is not a fun place to be! I love my sisters, I love my dad, but my mom I really can't stand sometimes!!

How do I describe things? you know, a life is so complicated, how can anyone ever understand someone else's? There's no way to describe my mother to anyone or even to describe the conversation we all got into today or how I'm feeling now. My mother is a lost cause. Ahh!! I'm so frustrated!! Me and my 2 siters and her talked for almost an hour and what good has come out of it? My mom said she has an anger problem and always had. She said that she would never change and that she may end up hitting one of her daughters again. She pretty much said that she gave up on a relationship with her daughters and we tried to tell her a lot of stuff and told her that we should all try to talk about things more.

Nothing really came out of the whole conversation at all. At one point I was trying to tell her how we all felt(and I NEVER talk about what I feel and think inside) and I said that I was pouring my heart out and she said, "no, you're not" and I just decided that talking about anything real to my mother is a lost cause. I desperatley would LOVE to tell anyone that I know the things I think and why I think the way I do, but I never wil be able to. My mom just showed me that today.

If it weren't for this diary and my site, I swear I'd kill myself! I can't take life, it's so stupid! These are the only ways I can let myself out, to be free to think whatever I want. Really, though, if I wasn't able to get these things out on the computer, I would bottle it all up and then I would be so frustrated with life, specifically MY life, that I would end up killing myself. I don't think I'm beyond that.

And the worst part is: I don't EVER want to be like my mom! Children don't have to be like their parents, right? I feel like my mom secretly hates us, even though she loves us, it's real weird. I never want my kids to feel the way I do sometimes. My mom made is sound as if that who she was and there was nothing that could change that; she just had to deal. I see a huge problem with that. Maybe I'm just stubborn and when I tell myself to do something, I will, but I really think that you can have self control enough to keep anger at bay. I mean, achoholics have to have the self-control to not drink, people with anger problems can have the self-control not to lash out, if they just put their mind to it.

I also hate the fact that my mom is like this deeply religious person. My dad isn't. My dad is smart. I respect him. Religion may help some people, but I can't help feeling that it destroys others. It makes people very weak-minded. It destroys their sense of self and that's what it's supposed to do, but when you have no sense of self you're not very self-relaint, and can't seem to muster up much self-control. You know, I read this thing in Readers Digest, it was some science report or something about how studies have shown why we feel spiritual. There's a part of the brain that is aware of the self and they did test on all different religious people's brain while they were praying or meditating or whatever. And it was found that the people felt the most spiritual connection when the awareness of self part of the brain was the weakest. It was really interesting.

Well, I don't really want to go and do anything right now, but I guess I can't spend all day typing usless things into this computer.

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