Sunday, Jan. 06, 2008 7:50 p.m.
atonment
It's been a long time since I felt the magic of going to see a really good movie. I never know if the movie is good because of my current mood or state of mind or the of day or the amount of caffeine I have recently consumed.
But it's been so long. Where I leave and feel alive. When I can get here on diaryland and just type, and not second guess what I type, and my fingers just fly over the keys and I just know that life is good. And I'm happy that I'm alive.
It may be pathetic that I can feel this after something as fictional as a movie - but I feel it still. It reminds me of why I came to this crazy town in the first place. It reminds me that living is cool and that there are still things to celebrate. I am inspired to be. And I'm glad that I am.
This was a good weekend. My best friend, revisions, came to visit. It'd been over a year since I saw her last. I don't have many friends anymore, and I'd forgotten the joy of having someone who knows you and you have memories with and who gets you and who doesn't think the things you say are stupid...or if they do, can actually tell you they think so.
I guess marriages go through these stages. there are some times when you're not very attracted to the other person, even though you still love them. And then there are times, that I seem to be going through lately, where I think K is the most amazing guy ever to have existed. I feel addicted to him like when we were newlyweds. It's weird. I remember now the dull ache that comes from
nevermind.
I just realized I made a stupid mistake and a flight that I'm taking a in few weeks for a friends wedding will make me miss a class I have to be at. I just told K and we tried to figure out what I should do...and ended with giving me the look like he's annoyed with me because I made a stupid mistake thats going to fuck things up.
whatever, ok K. I'm sorry I'm scatterbrained sometimes. Thanks for making me feel bad about it.
and nevermind on the whole first part of this entry - it's pathetic how the simplest thing changes my mood so much.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.