Thursday, Jan. 09, 2003 5:37 p.m.
Religion. Art. Beauty. Passion.
I wish I were a poet and knew the words these feelings deserve. It's not like I haven't felt like this before - I think and think and think. philosophy is a curse; it haunts you until you rationalize it into absurdity.
my life is a constant struggle between philosophy and reality. what is real? what's the meaning of meaning? What the point of ignoring physical life and driving myself in circles thinking? What's the point of the physical life if I can't understand the concept of life itself?
Religion. Art. Beauty. Passion.
though my mind is constantly thinking, I'm a practical person. I don't get caught up in silly ideas, like these. but I am today...
I'm in a Jan. short term class. Monday - Friday, 8am- 5pm, one week. It's intense. I've never taken a class here like this before. Art. no wonder people feel a sense of spirituality when it comes to art. No wonder so many people seek it above so much...
We just finished watching the play "Into the Woods" in that class. The words I'm saying do not give justice to the way I felt. My hands were actually shaking. SO, SO, SO much to think about...being filled with passion, just the passion for thinking, for philosophy, for life.
This class has made me think more than any class I've ever had. We discuss. A lot. A room a filled with art, theatre, philosophy and media students. And for the most part, all Christians. I've kinda taken on the devil's advocate role - the professor actually calls on me to ask for my opinion. I'm not afraid to state what I think and be passionate about it, even though it is the unpopular view here. Everything I think, especially about religion, has been challenged.
what is fulfillment? What do I want? My mind is still spinning too much - but I LOVE this feeling, it's the feeling of being alive. It hurts my head, for somehow all this new passion knows that it needs to, not be thrown out, but 'birthed' out in some medium. It's as though a tangible existence is needed in order to further examine and evaluate what This is, what Everything is.
oh, wow. Art, Culture, Religion...thinking passionately, thinking deeply...wow
this is what education is supposed to be like.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.