you know what�s funny? even as i just typed the above words, i had to stop and think, �wait, i�m 23?�. those two numbers: 2. 3. they belong to me. but i don�t know how old 23 is supposed to feel because it seems really old when i look at it. but then, when i think about older people, i think that 23 is so young and that�s there�s so much that happens in a life between the ages of 23 and the rest of your life. so, it�s just really weird, this whole 23 thing.

over christmas, my aunt said something about being 23 and how she remembered it being a really weird age too. and then i started thinking how there seems to be popular songs recently mentioning the age 23. well, actually, i can only think of two songs and i forget who sings them, but still, i�ve come to this conclusion that if there�s such thing as a mid-life crisis that hits you in the 40�s, that at 23, you hit your mid-mid-life crisis (or as in the john mayer song, �mid-quarter-life crisis�).

i think at 23 that you�re usually in one of several places in your life, but that you kinda start coming to the same conclusions no matter where you are. here are a few examples: at 23,

1. you�ve recently graduated college, have a job and are starting your life. you start to realize that the whole work M-F, 9-5, party on the weekends cycle gets boring after awhile. even having money for the first time is boring, it takes away from the excitement of having to scrape by.
2. you�ve recently graduated college and have no job. you start to realize that while the past four years were great, they really were nothing. what are you going to do with your life? what do you want to do? who are you?
3. you never went to college and are realizing that if you had, you�d be about finished by now. you start to wonder about what you could�ve been and if your life is where you really want it to be.
4. you�re married or have kids. you start to see your single friends and wonder if you�d be happier if you had freedom and weren�t tied down. you wonder if you�re wasting your youth.
5. you�re single. you start realizing that you�ve been invited to too many weddings lately and that don�t you even have a prospect for your own yet. you realize that while you�ve been having momentarily, but eventually meaningless, fun, all you really want is some stability in one person.

i know there�s more places you could be at 23 and that i�m probably stereotyping stuff, but my whole point is: being 23 is weird. because you�re both old and young, you want both independence and stability, you know both too much and too little about life.

23 is just freaky. or it is to me. remember when you were little and you thought the future was magical and you could be whatever you want? well, then suddenly, at 23, it�s like you�ve made it through your youth far enough to finally see this magical future place, only to realize that it�s real, and not really magical, or at least not in the same sense as before.and it�s freakin scary because you realize that your future is not whatever you simply DREAM it to be, but what you both physically make it to be and what it makes of you.

and you feel like a little kid who�s just been dropped off for their first day of school, having been told what to do but still unsure. everything is big and scary, yet so promising. and that�s what i think 23 is like, the standing there, not knowing what to do part.

i don�t like being 23. i think i�m gonna start lying and saying i�m 22. 22 just sounds better. Like you can still have fun and not take things seriously. 23 is just weird and i think 23 yr. olds should have their lives together better than i do.

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.