Saturday, Jan. 17, 2004 10:26 p.m.

roommate fight

you know what i love about getting into arguments? how much you learn about yourself. seriously. maybe i�m weird, but i think that it�s natural for two people with any type of relationship, whether it be roommates, sisters, lovers, or friends, to argue and get into fights. in fact, i think it�s healthy. but i also think it�s how you end the arguments that can make or break you.

but i also think that i�m weird. and that i like for things to be honest and out in the open and most of the time, people only share their true feelings about things in a heated discussion.

me and my roommates just had this huge fight, seriously, if we were on a reality show, it would have been edited to be the fight to end all fights. it was a good one. but we finally got to the core issue of all the little annoyances with have with each other.

i�m selfish. and i can�t deny this (see my psychological egoism essay). and i�m also stubborn. when i get into an argument, i want to come out on top. but my selfishness wasn�t actually the core issue that me and my roommate were having problems with. it was how we deal with telling someone what to do.

i feel sorry for people who have parents who are psychologists . my parents aren�t, but my mom would always talk to me and my sisters in that kinda mindset, as though we were always wrong because our minds hadn�t yet developed enough to possibly comprehend how things really were. and it�s weird how when you get older, you start to realize that you unfortunately are more like your parents than you want to be. and i have five younger sisters and have always been the one who�s supposed to have all the advice. and i think too much. and i have this website where i post all my thoughts on things, like other people are supposed to learn from them or something. i�m good at telling other people what to do. i�m good at feeling that i�m right.

but apparently, other people aren�t good at dealing with people who are good at feeling like they�re right. and my roommate is one of them. i�m used to feeling like i�m in charge. she can�t stand feeling like someone�s in charge of her. and we totally clashed heads. and i am so glad we finally figured this out!! seriously, i mean, i still think that the way that she deals with things is very immature and childish as though she�s some rebellious teenager and that she hasn�t yet figured out that we�re college grads and don�t have to prove our independence anymore, and well, i could keep going on and on about what i think she needs to change, but i know that i can�t change her and that what i�m doing is switching into my retarded (and sometimes conniving) way of thinking that i have all the answers and that i�m always right. so, instead i�ll stop and focus on what i really got out of our fight:

i think i know all the answers (even if i don't). i act like a psychologist when i get into arguments. i say exactly what i think and don�t hold back . i try to bring the argument into some happy-medium conclusion and figure out what the core issues are. i�m blunt and a little mean, yet remain calm, cool and collected. no wonder people probably hate arguing with me. i probably come across as self-righteous. i don�t know any other way to be. i�m ALWAYS in situations where i�m the leader, the mother/big sister figure, the one with the answers or advice. yes, i�m still figuring things out myself, but i like to act �wise� in figuring these things out, as if i�m in a better place than others for at least admitting my downfalls in not knowing everything yet.

i really hope i don�t screw up my kids one day. i hope i can figure out how to be wise without coming across as everyone else is wrong or lower than me. i�ve also realized that i�ve got to marry a guy who a) can deal with my sometimes bluntness and know that i really don�t mean it rudely, b) also feels that arguments are healthy and the best way of discovering ways to improve yourself and c) is never afraid of confronting and admitting their imperfections.

i think it�s funny how there never seems to be an end to figuring myself out. i think i know who i am, and then something like this argument i had tonight makes me realize how i really am and why i am that way. it�s just weird. i wonder what i�ll discover about myself in the future�.

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