Friday, Jan. 20, 2006 9:31 p.m.
a teacher's life
some days, I really hate kids. their incessant noise. their inability to solve problems on their own. their propensity to argue, fight, make fun of each other, cry.
with the kindergarteners, it's their inability to tie their shoes, fit everything inside their backpacks, stand in a straight line...the concepts that they can't yet understand, the way I have to slow my thinking to find the little words that they can understand.
I think sometimes that people think teachers just sit in a room while all the kids patiently listen and do their lessons. this is the ideal of education. this is not the reality.
I like kids. I really do. I like digging down to the kid inside me, understanding how they feel, giving them advice, laughing with them, showing them new things. I have a desire for knowledge and the potential to share that is exciting.
I wish it were this easy. I feel I never get to the point of feeling what I entered this occupation for. instead, I just try to keep on top, to maintain enough energy to keep them constantly occupied and entertained so they don't realize that they are not fighting or arguing or misbehaving.
today was one of those days. the little people. swarms of them. they are all their own persons - I often wonder what they will be when they grow up. I wonder what the grown-ups I know were like when they were kids. were they troublemakers? were they good students? what was I like as a child? did my teachers like me? did they think I would turn out alright?
I get tired of having the answers, of trying to heal hurt feelings, of punishing them, of having energy to match theirs, of being the boss, of existing for those who don't realize I'm a person too.
I often come home, especially at the end of the week, and I just want to do nothing. make no decisions, have no opinions, rest my voice, do something selfish, sleep. I realize that I am slowly appearing more and more boring to those who are my friends...and I feel bad as though I restrict my husband when he wants to go out and be fun...but really, my job really wears me out sometimes - and today is one of those sometimes.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.