Tuesday, Feb. 08, 2011 7:26 p.m.

limbo

Since I started Civil War reenacting, I've become even more fond of a movie I watched many times in my childhood: Little Women. Yes, the one with Christian Bale, Winona Ryder, Claire Danes, and Kirsten Dunst. Especially growing up in a family of all girls and having lots of sisters, I always found parallels in the stories of the March girls and the girls in my family, even though we existed 150 years apart.

There are a couple scenes in the movie that have always stood out to me. These scenes, as a child/teen, were glimpses into our own adulthood. What would it be like when we grew up, got married, and pursued our own lives? My sisters and I often quoted entire scenes from the movie; heck, we still do. For the past couple years and even more so in the past couple weeks though, one quick quip of dialogue has stood out especially so to me:
Jo, after returning after a long absence, hugs her sister Meg: "Meg, why didn't you tell me?"
Meg: "One hardly speaks of such things."

and that's it. Jo says 'how wonderful!' and then in the next breath asks about their sister Beth and the movie continues.
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Perhaps fittingly, I find myself hardly speaking of this such thing as well. When one wants very badly for something that should have come as simply and easily as it came to most others...once that something IS finally achieved, it is met with a much different reaction than expected. Relief, I suppose. Fear. Uncertainty as to how redefine myself into a position I had believed I'd never be in. Disbelief. A kind of 'survivor's guilt'. Anger that the path traveled to get here was so difficult. Hope. And the tiniest bit of excitement that I'm trying not to prematurely acknowledge.
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I was hoping that perhaps today I'd have the confidence to speak of it without fear of jinxing it. But I'm still afraid. I don't know how to be anything other than who I've always been. I don't know how to publicly talk about it. I don't want to publicly talk about it. It's so much more than it would seem and most won't understand why their experience is different than this experience.

I don't need others for answers; I've learned to be self-reliant throughout it all. And my original assumption still stands: why share the good parts when I was unable to share the bad? I want the good to myself this time.
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I can't open a new chapter until I'm confident that the new chapter is here to stay. And I'm not confident. So I'm not closing this current chapter and moving on to the next one quite yet.

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.