Sunday, Feb. 16, 2003 12:54 a.m.
my life as a journal entry
you know, life would be so much easier if my roommates had a life...seriously, it's a weekend night, and they are all in bed by 12:30. I go to see a movie, come in at 12:45, and they get mad at me because I made noise and woke them up!!! ahh!!!! I just want normal college roommates! yea, so they have fiancees and don't need to have a social life anymore, but why must they look down on me because I do???
I want to write a journal entry tonight that makes my life make sense, that sums it all up. I want writing this entry to fulfill me. But I know it won't.
I want to settle down, marry and have kids. I want to find the 'right' one...I'm sick of looking. I want to move to the big city, make it on my own - become the successful one where everyone I used to know brags that they once knew me.
I want to be fulfilled. I want to be happy. I want to be at that bittersweet moment in my life, like at the end of a movie, where I can look back and see that perhaps, even in the disorder, for better or worse, everything made sense. that's what I want.
I want to feel like I am not living this same journal entry over and over. I think that my life often gets repetitious - that these journal entries talk about the same thing, over and over. don't I ever move on to something else?
why do I want to be liked?? why do I crave other's attentions? I hate myself for it. I hate keeping an online journal as compared to a written one, solely for the fact that other random people can read this. what is wrong with me? shouldn't I write for myself, not for others? but, I do write for myself, only all the while aware that I may have a possible audience.
I KNOW that a guy won't bring me happiness...I really do know this. but I still long for a best friend, a soulmate, someone who gives me reason to be without a social life and go to bed by midnight on the weekends.
I've asked this question a thousand times, and I bet, unfortunately, that I will ask it at least a thousand times more, but:
Will I ever find fulfillment? Will it all ever make sense?
...this is all I want to know...
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.