Thursday, Feb. 21, 2008 6:42 p.m.
immunity
There's one other couple I know that moved out to Los Angeles after college graduation. They were in my year, and we were barely acquaintances, even though we both moved to the same city.
But I kept in touch through their blog, just to remember that they were out there in this city somewhere. Just to know that they too were in our boat, still trying to make it, still refusing to give into the house and family 'settled' mentality that is the death of all our old friends from home...
A few weeks ago, I found out they were pregnant.
A few days ago, I found out they were leaving L.A. and moving back to Texas.
It's horrible, but I feel an odd sort of satsification at their retreat from this city and this lifestyle. I feel as though I am closer to succeeding, as though their departure makes it more possible for K and I to make it here afterall.
Los Angeles is a tough place. This industry is far from the naive dreams people flock here to experience. This place will make or break you, and it breaks a vast more more than it makes. The few who do make it only make it for 1 of 2 reasons: a lot of pure dumb luck, or an unwillingness to give up MIXED with a little sheer luck.
It took a few years, but it's starting to become commonplace to hear stories of acquaintances and friends of friends packing up and moving out. Going home, giving up, moving on with their lives. Outgrowing the L.A. thing.
It only make me more determined that K and I will make it. That we will keep going. That we will won't give up, not yet.
Yes, I want kids someday. Yes, I don't want to wait too long and be too old. Yes, I'd halfway like to just be a housewife and mom and stay at home. But no, I'm not giving up. K has wanted this for too long. We've pushed through some hard stuff and we're gonna keep pushing through whatever hard stuff is yet to come.
My desire to be someone is too strong. I need to accomplish something before giving in. I'm not ready to give up yet.
(I really hope I do something great or noticeable or important someday, because otherwise all these diary entries are going to look kind of stupid, huh? :) )
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.