Wednesday, Feb. 25, 2004 3:17 p.m.
honestly, let's just all be honest.
it's funny how when i'm real pissed at someone/something, I feel the need to write it all out or tell it to a bunch of people as though the more i tell it, the more i let a little bit of that pissed-off-ness out so that i can be okay. but after i write it all out or complain to a bunch of people about it, i feel guility about it, as though me telling people/writing about it only stirs up more anger and makes me seem like i'm gossiping and complaining. i'm not gossiping, but yes, i am complaining. i do that sometimes. i think it's healthy to complain a bit. tell your true feelings. why can't we say negative things and get them out of our system without people freaking out and getting all defensive? wouldn't it be better to tell someone why they really make me angry and get it all out? isn't it worse to hold all the anger in? i let it all out so that i can get to a point where i can make it all better. why can't people just be honest? i hate playing games. i really hate someone right now. i know my anger may not be justified, but i still feel it. and i want to get it out. i don't want to be angry, but i am. so just let me get it all out, ok? i won't hate them anymore once i complain enough. i'll complain, and then never bring it up again...i really hate when people don't complain and store it all up - it's like these people always have a little bit of hate in them that can never go away. and that just annoys me 'cause it makes me hate them. and i don't want to hate. but i still do. i hate this one person right now. can you imagine a world if we were totally honest in everything?? i can't. people are too afriad of the truth, and that sucks. because as much as i sometimes don't want it, i deal with the brutal truth of things much better than these stupid games. and the truth of the matter is:
{deep breath} i don't hate that person anymore. i feel better. but i did for a minute, ok? hate isn't really bad, as long as you don't let it remain for long. right?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.