Friday, Feb. 26, 2010 9:10 p.m.
a new place for that part of my life
As I was logging into dland just now, I had this sudden flashback to sitting in the Tokyo airport and logging into dland on a pay-as-you-go computer/internet terminal. I was so ready to go home, so ready to figure out my life.
Of course, I wasn't writing here then, but in another hidden, half-forgotten diary that I usually only write in when I take breaks from here for whatever reason.
It's interesting how little diaryland has changed in the 8 years I've been writing in it. I kind of like that actually. It's comforting.
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I have decided not to write much about it in here anymore. I found a new place for that part of my life. It's not that I don't want to share it here, it's that I occasionally want/need to indulge in and flesh out my feelings, and that ugly and emotional part of my mental process is less embarrassing if I don't have to "publicly" claim it.
But I am writing about it. I have to write about it. I have to preserve feelings, because that is the only way I will be able to objectively look back and understand my past. I have to know how it felt in order to appreciate how it will feel.
I'm sure I will allude to it here, I mean, it's a big part of my life, how could I not? But I will try my darnedest to not elaborate on identifying details about situations. I may mention feelings, but I won't feel the need to explain them. If you are a reader, just know that it is still weighs heavy on my mind and always will be. If anything important happens, it will likely be shared, but in the meantime, feel free to ask - I otherwise probably won't be saying anything.
It's just time for me to put those thoughts elsewhere and focus on the things that I can control about my life. :)
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Oh, and just because I think it's good to post this in here every once in awhile: I'm happy. My husband works a lot and I never see him and probably won't for the next several months, but I love him dearly and he and our marriage are so important to me. I am very thankful for our relationship and the effort we put into its success.
I think we are going to have a good year. I think this is finally the year for us. I am optimistic about where we will be by the year's end.
yay 2010!
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.