Thursday, Mar. 02, 2006 12:56 p.m.
sorry
I feel like I've been in a vacuum lately - I don't even know what my life has been comprised of.
work. kids running around. commuting. class. homework. email. him watching tv. dinner. dishes pilling up in the sink that doesn't work. money. going to bed. not wanting to get out of bed. driving.
this is all I think of when I think of my life now.
I know more is involved - but apparently this is all I've been focusing on...cause it's all I can remember.
it was my friends birthday last night - so a bunch of us went out to dinner. I realized that I don't know these people anymore - I never hang out. they are just other females I've happened to run into out here and we formed together so as to not feel like we were anti-social...after all, isn't that what all casual friends are anyways?
I called my mom last night. I talked to my husband before bed. I called revisions this morning.
and after each conversation, I felt the same unspoken feeling from the other end: I am becoming a very negative person.
what do I have to talk about? nothing.
what do I have to complain about? everything.
I don't know how to carry a conversation anymore. I was reminded of this at dinner last night. I couldn't even chat with the girls. I sat there, politely. I asked about the food and the other things one must discuss when going out to dinner with friends - but I brought nothing else to the conversation.
it was as though I were merely the shell of who I used to be. as though I had nothing else inside.
I feel like I'm just holding on now - till when it will all be over and things will be better.
but things are never 'better' . things just change...and there will ALWAYS be something that I must deal with.
I know I shouldn't be like this...and the guilt from my behaviors makes me only that much more ashamed...and that much more wanting to go hide under a rock for the next several months.
I'll come back out when I'm no longer negative. when I have something happy to talk about. when I'm not just focused on survival.
this is what I want to do. but I know I can't.
I'm sorry everyone.
p.s. it's hard being married and being like this. you can't lie in a marriage. you are who you are. bad times too. and you affect another person. daily. that you love and don't want to ever bring down. only sometimes you do bring them down. but not on purpose. and then you don�t like yourself.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.