Friday, Mar. 08, 2013 9:59 p.m.

darkest before the dawn?

How do I document this all?

How do I make him happy?

Why can't he see beyond his own misery? Why does he do this to himself? Why does he do this to me? Why doesn't he step up, admit that life isn't ideal, but work with me, as his life partner, to find a way to make it work out the best we can?

I open up to him, I try to be gentle, I try to create an open environment where he can share. I ask non-threatening questions to show that I care and want to know if he's willing to share.

He doesn't answer. He defers, says he's just tired. I tell him I know it's not just that and that I'm there for him. He says nothing. Just says nothing. Pretends he doesn't hear me. I know he does.

Last night we had a small fight over something stupid. Earlier in the evening he said that we should do the do the dishes together after C went to bed and hang out together. I was all for it, desiring any time that he actually wants to just spend time as a couple. But after dinner, things went awry. I asked how were were going to tackle the dishes together since it's kind of a one person job usually and we have different styles of doing it. I meant it as a fun, problem solving type of question. He apparently took it as I didn't want to do them together anymore. He said he would just do it alone. I got hurt as that was not my intention and had been looking forward to spending time together and was hurt that he no longer seemed to want to. I got a bit angry, got up and just did them myself. He got mad because I didn't give us a chance to do them together.

Blah, Whatever. It's our lives now. We're not especially happy, ok? There, I said it.

It's really more like HE'S not happy which wears off on me and I try everything within my power to do what I can for him and be a good wife and work together through this tough time, but nothing works. Nothing makes him happy Which makes me very unhappy too. I feel like a failure of a wife.

Everything gets screwed up. Everything gets misconstrued. We can't ever seem to work anything out because one of us always takes something the wrong way. We're falling apart.

After the dishes incident last night, I sat down on the couch with him, apologized for getting angry and just basically said that I want our marriage to be better and yes, that even though things are hard now that we have no idea if they are ever going together better so that we have to work on improving things NOW and not just pretend that we surviving for the moment and that things are going to get better soon once more income starts coming in. More income may never start coming in and we have to deal with that. We will be married regardless and we need to focus on our marriage no matter what as a strong marriage is what will help us survive the hard times.

He mostly said nothing. Just sat there, with his glass of wine in his hand. When I pleaded for a response after many minutes of silence, he just said "ok", or "there's nothing really to say". Or at one point he did sort of share a little, but all he really said was that I was selfish and didn't realize how selfish I was and until I worked on that individually that we couldn't really move forward. I calmly asked the ways in which I was selfish so that I could improve. He didn't answer. I asked if he felt like I was selfish because he thought I didn't support him enough during this time? Or because he tends to get up with C every morning instead of I, or if there wasn't something else. He just continued to give vague non-responses like, "it's fine".

I don't know what he means. If I truly am missing something about myself that I need to change then I will. If I really am being selfish in our relationship then I'll work in it. But I just feel like I'm getting zero input. I don't know what the truth is. Is he just saying this to cover up some hurt that he has? So he wants to hurt me as well? Or am I really missing something selfish in me? I don't really know.

Marriage is so hard because there isn't an objective party standing by to watch to make judgements about how things really are. There's only us. And we both see from our own tainted perspectives.

We really need counseling, I think. We can't at all afford it though. So it's off the table for now. Which is a bummer. It's be nice to have someone to talk to together; someone who might force us to work these things out.

I asked K if, if things work out and we can afford it in the future, if he would attend counseling with me. He said he didn't care and whatever and he thought it was bullshit. He said he had to talk to counselors when his parents were divorcing when he was a kid and they did nothing for him. So he thinks that a marriage counselor wouldn't do anything for him either.

Where is the man that I married???? I get that he's depressed. I get that he has had a life-long passion and that he has thrown his whole life at and that it is slowly fizzling before his eyes. I get that he feels directionless and doesn't know what to do if this career path doesn't work for him and that he feels trapped into providing for a wife and child. I get that he's feeling hopeless.

BUT, I am trying to do everything in my power to help him. So what if life hasn't worked out perfectly. He has ME for god's sake! He has an awesome kid! We will be his family no matter what job he has! We will love him no matter how much he makes or how successful he becomes! All we want from him is his love in return.

I wish K could realize this. I wish he could open up to me, trust me, allow me to be his partner and his wife and get through this with him. He alienates himself from me which makes me feel completely abandoned as well.

But I feel as though I can't say anything negative about him. I feel as though if I do, and I let on to him that I have any negative thoughts about him in any way that it will just hurt him more and he'll take on more responsibility for not being able to make me happy. Basically I just feel screwed no matter what.

It's really hard trying to pull him out of this. It's been going on for too many months. I'm worn out. We're both worn out. We need help. We need time away, alone, together. We can't afford a babysitter and we have no family nearby. It's like our marriage is slowly rotting away.

I'm still hopeful that maybe things can work themselves out someday and that things will get better and I will someday look back on now as a difficult-but-strengthening point in our marriage. But I'm being optimistic.

I won't divorce, I never ever will. I would rather suffer through an unhappy marriage than ever be a divorcee. But I can't believe that I somehow, with my overwhelming belief in marriage and in the ability for couples to have happy marriages if they work hard enough, that *I* of all people might end up in such an unhappy one.

More than anything I want our marriage to be a good, happy, strong marriage. But marriage is two people and it's really hard to carry an entire marriage's success or failure on just one pair of shoulders.
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Last weekend, I told K that I was going to plan an special date night for us this weekend. I was going to plan a whole thing after C went down to bed. He seemed cool with it at the time, maybe even the tiniest bit excited. That was before our argument/discussion last night. Anytime anything is said between us that is not happy and agreeable, he get like this for a couple of DAYS.

So he's hardly said anything to me today. He only really talks to me if it's super pertinent, i.e. what should we do for dinner? or if it's about C, i.e "C wants to say goodnight to you". He doesn't talk to me unless it's a one-two word response.

I asked him if something in particular happened today to make him upset tonight. He of course said no. I asked if he was still interested in doing our date tomorrow or if he'd rather me push it til another time. He said whatever I wanted to do. I told him that I was working hard on planning the date and I really wanted him to participate in it. I asked that he let me know if he just wasn't feeling up for it because it would be worse for me to do the date, but then have him non-responsive the whole time; I would feel like I had wasted my time and I would be more hurt that way. I asked that if he was fine doing the date that he at least give effort to have a decent time during it. He said fine.

I don't feel convinced. I'm really putting myself out there in all these stupid little things I'm planning. I'm afraid it's all going to fall flat. I'm wondering why I'm even trying. If it's even going to be worth it to try. I'm planning the food, my outfit, games, dessert all around a theme. I'm working out the timeline. I want this to be fun, random, special, and maybe something to break us/him out of this funk.

I'm worried about being rejected though. If I'm rejected tomorrow (by my own husband! which is worse than anyone else rejecting you ever), I don't know how I'll have the strength to put myself out there again for him. I'm stating this now. Because I hope it doesn't happen that way. I hope it's a good evening.
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I've started to think practically about how to sell what we can from the house and when the best time of year to relocate would be.

I hate that I'm allowing myself to seriously plan out what it would be like for K to give up his career dream and our lives out here, but I've been EXTREMELY supportive of him for 7+ years, and at some point, you can't keep chasing. And we may be at the point. Whatever, it really sucks, really it does, but I accept it million times better than K does if we have to move on.

I just want to have a plan for something again. Even if it's not what I'd ideally like, at least it's a plan. Any plan is better than no plan.
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One I publish this entry, I think I'm going to pour myself another drink and go and look up how to get a TX teaching credential from my CA one.

(oh and in case anyone is wondering, K is asleep right now. We watched a fun comedy movie earlier tonight, he chuckled some, I thought he was in an ok, or at least tolerable mood. He got up afterward, I thought to go the bathroom, but instead he went to bedroom and laid in bed. Once I realized he didn't come back, I followed a few minutes later. I laid in bed with him, scratched his back and said hi and asked asked if he was ok. He just said he was tired and turned away from my touch. So now I'm awake, in the living room by myself, drinking alcohol again, and planning an elaborate date with a man that I don't even know if wants to go out with me on.)

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