Saturday, Mar. 10, 2007 9:55 a.m.
these things I pray
when I was younger, I'd pray to God all the time. not just nighttime prayers, but anytime: whenever I'd be worried, or thoughtful, or anxious, or happy, or even just bored. talking to God was like talking to an imaginary friend that lived inside my head. I narrated all my thoughts to him...and this perception allowed me to understand my life through an imagined third perspective.
several years ago, I began questioning things. I began wondering if I relied on my notion of God too much - if he had become a sort of mental therapy I was addicted to.
so I gave him up. just to see what would happen. what would happen if I didn't pray. if I didn't talk to him...talk to myself, I mean...about everything that happened in my life. what did praying really do anyways?
I went cold turkey at first. just completely stopped praying. and I suffered. and I longed. and I didn't know what to do without him.
but after a few months, things started feeling ok without him. I realized that I was in charge, and that stopping praying fortunately, or unfortunately, didn't change the outcome of things in my life like I had believed.
I haven't been diligent, though, throughout the years, sneaking in a prayer or two here and there when I'm afraid, or nervous, or just want to feel like as though some type of non-physical protection surrounds me.
I think I've turned into a much more nervous person recently. nervous about the outcome of my life. nervous about the purpose of my life. nervous that my life seems to be accelerating, that I just keep seeming to get older, that I don't have the thrill of life's potential staring me in the face like I did before.
at 26, I'm beginning to grow out of age limits, instead of into them.
I let little things let me think too much. I get lost in circles in my head...and I prefer to wander around in them instead of pulling myself out and getting back on track.
and I realize that I miss God. not just God, but my conversations with him. I miss praying. I miss letting off steam in the moment, instead of bottling it up and storing it to be mulled over later. I miss feeling like I release things I can't control anyways to someone I believe has the control.
it no longer matters if he actually has the control (or exists), it only matters that I believe him to.
it soothes me, praying does. even if praying is only talking to myself...then talking to myself soothes me. and I'm ok with that.
they say that talking to yourself is the first sign of going crazy...if so, then so be it. :)
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.