Wednesday, Mar. 12, 2008 10:12 p.m.

so I don't forget the pain

So the recovery pretty much sucked. I was miserable for a week. Sure, I thought it would be uncomfortable, maybe a little painful, but I thought it'd also nice to have an excuse to just chill at home, lay on the couch, and have K cater to me.

Uh, no. It sucked. I basically just tried to tolerate each day enough so that it would finally be over with and a new day would come which would hopefully be one day closer to feeling normal again.

Really - if that's what being pregnant feels like, I don't want to do it. Peeing hurt and I couldn't even sit down right. I bloated to where my stomach stuck way out and was hard and it wouldn't go away (still hasn't actually). Nauseated all the time. No appetite, but I was weak, like I should eat. It hurt to take deep breaths. Sharp pains shot up my neck when I tried to lay down. Standing up for more than 5 minutes made me woosy. My emotions were crazy. I just wanted to sleep the days away, but I couldn't get comfortable enough to sleep.

I'm writing all this out, not to complain really, but to record it, so I will remember how miserable I was when I think about doing this again. It's always so easy to forget. It's only my first day of really feeling alive again, and I've already almost forgotten.

Perhaps that's because today I found out that they transferred two embryos. I'll know in a little over a week if they are pregnant. How weird. I'm still like a newly adolescent girl, kind of unbelieving that my body can really create a pregnancy. I know I've been putting my body though some crazy stuff with all the injections and things, but that doesn't mean that I really believe it will work. We'll see if and when it actually happens.

And if I actually decide to do this again...well, I've just been telling myself that somehow it won't be as bad next time...

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.