Sunday, Mar. 23, 2003 5:53 p.m.
the wonderful world of failed relationships and the suckiness of singledom!
I think my problem with this diaryland thing is that I can't write all the time. There is no possible way to record all my reflections on life and other stuff.
So instead of just writing meaningless crap about life in general (as I have been recently) I think I'm actually going to talk about something today!!! And today's topic (drumroll please...): the wonderful world of failed relationships and the suckiness of singledom!
As I played hostess at the second of my three engaged roommates' lingerie shower today, my thoughts couldn't help but wander, once again, to the fact that I am not only the only roommate un-engaged, but that I am almost pathetically single. As soon as I graduate college in a few months, I will also graduate into the offical stage of life known as singledom.
(I'm really fine with being single. I've chosen this. I've had a few opportunities recently if I'd only chosen to persue them.)
I'm completely over this guy, right? that was months ago...but in all honesty, something in me changed after him. maybe 'cause it was a first relationship type of thing, maybe 'cause it was at a time in my life when I was changing and he helped bring that out so much. but for the first time, I allowed myslef to put more feelings into something than I was used to. and I came out of the whole thing different. But in a good way.
only, something inside still cringes when I think about last semester. something makes me feel as though something went terribly wrong - as though I was just special while I was unattainable. and now I'm not. This guy...this guy that I never really talk to anymore...I'd love to just see what's going on with him, not in any type of romantic relationship way, but just talk like the old days...but it's like in high school when I didn't realize how my super close friends could ever drift apart after graduation.
I heard he has a new girlfriend and they might be moving towards serious. wow! am I hurt? not really. shocked? not too much. feel like he lied to me? actually, no. but something inside does cringe at the news. Something inside reacts. I've been attracted to other guys since him. I'm over him. but I wonder if this is what happens at the end of all relationships...the lingering feelings. if so, I'm thrilled to death that I only have one of these. I can't imagine the been-there-done-that feeling going into a new relationship with several of these "forgotten" attractions.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.