Monday, Mar. 27, 2006 7:38 p.m.
soulforce
sometimes I have so many words swirling around in my head that there are no words to explain it all...or at least not the right kind of words...for all the words I have are too small so that it would take forever to explain.
and everything ends up jumbled up in the funnel that deciphers thoughts to words...and when it all comes out the other end...nothing makes sense anymore.
but I want it make sense. I swear I do. I want y'all to understand, to see the reason I see. this is why I seek to write. to make sense.
but I feel like my hopes are always in vain.
I am frustrated by my lack of .
the blanks in my thoughts,
the hope, unfulfilled, of them being filled.
there is a way to disagree without hate.
though a christian can believe a jew is going to hell
they can still be friends
and like each other.
I disagree with homosexuality.
but I do not hate those who practice it.
I wish people understood
and didn't think me a bigot.
I wish people sought to understand
like they claim they just want people
to do of them.
it goes much deeper
than a diary entry can hold.
my essay (link to the right)
begins to say what I mean
but even that doesn't say it all.
a letter in the mail today
from my old university,
brought all these thoughts up
and I've gotten online
and tried to sort it all out
and it's still lost
and I don't know how to write about it.
uninvited,
but determined to do what they want,
lacking the concept of differing opinions,
and different ways of life
(even though this is exactly what they claim to be promoting),
they come.
the world is losing a battle
it doesn�t even realize it is fighting.
we are giving up our freedom
through delusions of gaining it.
we can no longer think,
unless it is what we think
we are supposed to think.
everything changes.
and what we hold now as true,
and right, and moral,
will change too.
I wish people understood.
and didn't seek to change the world
and show that they are right
or others are wrong.
I wish we all just chose to live
by a set of standard rules
that allowed us to live
and know how to live.
where right and wrong are not the focus,
for Right and Wrong will never be known.
but that instead we just live
and know how to live.
I don�t know what else to say
but I know I have more to say.
my brain is tired
and the blanks in my thoughts
are becoming more common
than the non-blanks.
so I will drop it here.
knowing that this isn�t the end.
and hoping to re-visit
all this again
soon.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.