Wednesday, Mar. 27, 2013 9:51 p.m.

e=mc^2

I wish I could just get away from it all sometimes.

And by 'it all', I mostly mean technology.

And here I am, typing this on my computer. Technology.

I long for a simpler life. A less complicated life.

As I've grown into myself more, I've discovered that I really enjoy and feel at peace when I can take large amounts of chaos and organize it into order. My favorite parts of my job involve taking a bunch of data, working it around in my head, and sorting in into something manageable. I like how it makes my brain work, I like piecing it all together, I like creating order from where they was none.

I've found that I'm surprisingly good at making the complicated simple.

The problem is that people don't behave simply. I can organize and tell someone what the best way is going to be - I can even sum up WHY that way is the best way - but other people often won't get what I get or see what I see or trust that I truly did figure out a better way...and then they do something to mess everything up.

This is my great struggle with life. I'm continually trying to sort it all out and make sense of it and organize it into simple understandings. I'd like it if there were only one (or even just a couple) grand meaning or guideline in life to follow.

I'm way beyond my college years now. I'd had more life experiences to gauge life philosophies on. I've traveled, I've thought, I've married, I've loved, I've given birth, I've known responsibility, I've pondered, I've felt. After all these things, I should be wiser. I should be closer to discovering. I should have a better idea of "Why?"

I don't really.

I've gotten busy. And the busyness has kept me distracted from asking any longer. The busyness has turned "Why?" into an unnecessary question.

I don't know why.

All I know is that this is life. And this is how things work. And that I'm alive. And that I might as well keep going and see what my life will bring. Once I'm dead, I will no longer be alive. I only get this life once, and I have nothing to lose by making the best of what I've got now.

Nothing has changed. This is exactly the same grand philosophical guideline I decided 10 years ago.

Yet life has still, somehow, become exponentially more complicated.

I do truly believe that technology has caused much of this new, and unnecessary, complexity to our lives. There's no much surrounding us constantly, too many things buzzing in our ears, too much to read, too much to comment on, too many things to search online. I waste SO.MUCH.TIME on the internet EVEY.SINGLE.DAY.

I'm not counting my (online) job. I'm actually productive when I'm using the internet and working and getting things done. That time is not wasted - things are happening because of emails I write and databases I check up on.

But everything else.

I almost hate the tv now. Really, I think I do. When K has it on, I watch it though. Being entertained by the tv is so easy. Sitting on the couch, passively hanging out with my husband, yet doing nothing, is so easy. SO.FREAKING.EASY. But I feel like crap afterward. I feel like a lazy bum. All the time. I have no desire to get up and do anything else other than watch tv - I mean, why should I? Watching tv is easy and lazy.

But I'm not productive when I watch it. I don't even spend quality time with K when we watch it. K hates when I talk when we're watching tv, so I can't even share a thought with him or connect together through something we're watching. Instead we're supposed to individually experience a tv show...individually experience it "together".

Yeah. Makes no sense.

I'm tired of watching these shows! They're fictional stories! Why do I waste so much of my life caring about fictional stories?! I'd rather LIVE my OWN life instead of being a lazy bum and sitting on the couch for hours and hours on end each night.

But I can't say no to them either.

Either I sit on the couch next to K and watch tv with him, or I hang out in the bedroom alone. I'd rather be with him, as it's the only time I get to spend with him on a regular evening, so I watch tv.

It's a vicious cycle.

An I hate it.

I'd love to be a crazy person and go technology free. Go "off the grid". Cut out all the non-necessaries and stick to the simple things. I want to be free from status updates and feeling like I have to care or have an opinion about everything, at every moment of every day.

There's too much data out there and I want to whittle it down to the stuff that really matters and then organize what's left into nice, easy to manage bits.

I'm good at doing that, I really am.

Now if everyone else would just stop throwing in their confusing unnecessary misdirections for a few moments and let me think, I'll figure out.

PLEASE, can't everything just STOP so I can work it out?? Everyone is making things way more complicated than they should be. I know there's an answer to it all. I can feel it deep down. There's a straight line of best fit in there somewhere amongst all this data and I bet we could figure it out if we paused long enough to analyze.

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This is why I've grown to love math in more recent years.

I'm actually allowed to work out the answers, people want to follow my logic and verify the same truth I got, there's no misleading emotions thrown in, and I get to take large amounts of confusing data and work it down into simple formulas that then get neatly applied to other confusing jumbles of data.

I like organizing the world and so far, math is the only realm where people seem to allow a supreme order of the universe to reign.

Everywhere else, people just seem to make life more confusing for themselves without even realizing it.

And people think that math is "soooooo confusing". If only they were enlightened to the fact that really, it's everything else, everything OTHER than math, that is really what makes life so confusing.

I suppose I'm having a left-brain kind of evening tonight.

But I really do just want to get away from it all.

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