Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005 6:53 p.m.
I'm engaged!!
there has been a ring on my finger for the past four days. I keep �accidentally� catching it with my eye and watching it. I�m not planning on it moving, or going anywhere�ever. but I still can�t stop looking at it as though it is a foreign object � a foreign object that somehow feels more right than anything I�ve ever worn. I�m freakin engaged!!!! :) and while the small girl-ly part of me wants to now run around and pick up every bridal magazine ever and start to busily plan what�s supposed to be the wedding of my dreams�the much larger realistic part of me is instead consumed with the reality of what I�m suddenly faced with: fianc�? what�s that? I JUST started getting used to the word �boyfriend� being part of my everyday vocabulary�and now �fianc�? :) wow. now every mention of him to others presupposes a large part of my personal life � that I�m in love, that I�m planning a wedding, that I�m �settling down�. definitely cool, but also definitely crazy. the wedding. I think a wedding is like the official end to childhood. or at least in the minds of any and all family and friends who've ever known you as a child. and as such, I feel as though I am becoming inundated with advice and suggestions, both about married life and planning a wedding. and while I welcome the advice about being married, this wedding stuff is stressing me out. aren�t weddings supposed for the bride and groom? why does everyone else�s preferences have to be taken into consideration? ahhhh!! I really just want to be married. I want to wake up next to him in our own house every morning. I want to be exactly what we are now, only more definite, more permanent, more official. in my early teens, I remember telling someone that if I didn�t have an elaborate proposal, I�d say no. I always wanted some big, creative, crazy story to tell people�but you know, it didn�t happen that way. it was simple. I knew it was coming. it was small. and it was special. I�m pretty sure this is how being married will be: real. and real is both better and worse than anything I could�ve dreamed that marriage will be. we�re going to a wedding in Vegas this weekend � I can�t even tell you how great the temptation will be� :)
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.