Saturday, Apr. 03, 2010 4:52 p.m.

day before Easter

I'm feeling down today. Second entry today.

K and I are home now. He's watching Breaking Bad and I'm sitting here on my laptop. In this episode, the main guys wife just had her baby.

We went to the grocery store on the way home from the coffee shop. There was Easter stuff everywhere and it just reminded me how long it's been since I've celebrated an Easter. The first Easter I was in L.A. I was working on a reality show. The second Easter was the weekend that I got engaged and we were in Disneyland. The 3rd Easter K and I dyed eggs. The 4th we went to a Easter service at the Hollywood Bowl. The 5th and 6th we did nothing. Tomorrow will be my 7th Easter since moving to L.A. We won't do anything.

I got on facebook just now. Too many people talking about celebrating first Easters with their kids.

What will we do tomorrow? Go to a movie. Then K will write. I'll sit at home, maybe sew, maybe plan how I'll set up the new place. I'll call in to see if I have Jury Duty Monday. I asked K about maybe doing a picnic tomorrow, he said sure. But he says sure to a lot things...and we never do them.

I hate to say that I don't believe him, as I know he has good intentions, but so many times plans don't really ever happen...because they were never really PLANS in the first place, just possible thoughts.

And even if we went on a picnic, what would I see? Lots of families, celebrating with Easter egg hunts and kids running around, and well, just normal people...like I so desperately want to be.

I want a reason to celebrate the little things, like Easter. I want to do normal things that families do. I want to be a family.

I teach, I work with kids, I'm starting to be more focused on more conservative matters...and then I've got a husband who writes for a show about a high school basketball coach who has a big penis and secretly becomes a male prostitute.

I really, really, really do support him and his career. I just wish that somehow, since he has to be involved in the entertainment industry, that he was more involved in the FAMILY entertainment side.

For the rest of our lives, I will have to struggle with raising a family with the values I believe in...all while convincing my kids that their father's career choices don't contradict them.

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.