Monday, Apr. 07, 2014 9:24 p.m.

My 15 yr. Religious Journey, Pt. 1

When I was a freshman in college - even before I started this diary or its' precursor, my geocities website - I began what you might call a religious/spiritual quest. At the time, it wasn't so much that I wanted to question or rebel from my faith...but rather that I wanted to search it out so that I could prove it.

Because of this quest, my Christian college experience was a bit lonely as I found myself at odds with the beliefs of the majority around me. I understood why people had the beliefs they did, but I didn't understand how they unquestioningly believed them.

When I moved out to L.A. after college, I found some solace in the variety of this place and how different people were. Differing beliefs were welcomed, and in fact, it almost seemed that having no beliefs in anything was the norm. Of if people did have belief in anything, faith was not something ever discussed.

But after my initial fascination with the abundant practice of 'open-mindedness' of the city wore off, I found myself instead longing for the ability to believe in something again. I missed the camaraderie of being with others who shared a similar outlook on life as myself. I missed having a purpose greater than myself. I wanted to return to church, to a religion. I just didn't know what I believed and to what religion I belonged.

From this vantage point, right now, it's easy for me to look back and see the events that have slowly affected me over the years - but it's also interesting to think about this journey and how I've been led to where I am now.

Experiencing romantic love and committing to marriage started it. Then feeling the biological urge to procreate and doing my egg donations contributed. I'll still never forget that one very inconsequential moment that has ended up challenging and defining my eventual beliefs more than anything else.

Sometime in Sept. '08, after the retrieval procedure of my third egg donation, K picked me up and brought me to his work to rest and recover in one of the empty offices while he was working. While sleeping on the couch, I got a voicemail (on my Tmobil sidekick) about the upcoming election and voting Yes on Prop. 8. I don't know how someone got my number or why I ended up on a "yes"-sympathetic list. Up until that very day, I had never given the issue of gay marriage much of a thought. I knew I didn't really agree with it, but it also never bothered me.

But really, something happened that day (whatever volunteer out there called me that day - thank you. You have no idea how influential that voicemail ended up being in my life). I started really thinking that day an I realized that I had an opinion about Prop. 8 and that my opinion was likely extremely different than my peers...but that I couldn't ignore my convictions just because it was an unpopular one. I struggled with this conviction for a very long time, and in fact, it is still very difficult for me to be honest about in fear of being shunned.

But for the first time, it made me aware that somewhere deep inside, I DID in fact feel that some things were right and some things were wrong - and perhaps more importantly, that I had to be honest with my core beliefs. Popular peer pressure cannot change my core values. So what I really had to do was to first discover what other core values I held, and that once I had a better understanding of my core values, that I could then match up a religion that matched my already-held beliefs.

I should also note that somewhat around this time, or in the preceding couple of years, that I had decided to change career paths and became a math teacher. I originally chose to teach math not so much because I cared about the subject, but because I knew I'd have better job opportunities as a math teacher. Strangely enough though, I feel that even upon choosing math as a new focus in my life, that I was perhaps being divinely led.

I still may not have ever taken a Calculus course, and I may not have the practical math knowledge of those with math degrees, but I discovered something even better - the beauty and wonder within the laws of mathematics. I wish I had known this before. That I "gel" with math. That I get it. That I find a sense of calm in being to take a apart a problem and organize the numbers and work out a valid solution. Yes, some problems are frustrating on the surface, but I know that I can do it and most importantly, that there IS an answer, I just have to figure it out. Also cool is how many connections there are in math and how even within the boundaries of mathematical laws, how much freedom there is to think and discover on your own.

Anyway, math digression aside - in researching defenses for my views about same sex marriage, I began also questioning and defining my views on other semi-related topics. For one thing, K and I had started trying to conceive and were having trouble. My thoughts on procreation and fertility began evolving. I began thinking more about my egg donations and the importance of marriage and biological lineages and where to draw the line on assisted reproductive technologies (ART). I began to feel guilty for having used the gift of my fertility for other couples I'd never meet (and that I'd essentially created biological offspring with a man other than my husband).

So what did all this mean and where were my beliefs heading? As we headed into our 2nd year of trying to conceive, I kind of gave into "fate" (or God, depending on how you look at things) as to if we'd have kids or not. Then, though it may sound strange, I went through pregnancy and childbirth - and my identity as a female took on a new, almost "blessed" meaning. The ability for my body to create, sustain, and push out a new life was miraculous. Parenthood brought out a brand new aspect of life as well. I realized that I was more than just an individual; I was charged with the awesome responsibility of raising a new person and that just as I brought new life into the world, that I also will die one day, just as everyone before me has. And that there is something greater that exists than beyond just our human existence.

Somewhere in here, I've discovered that many of my beliefs align somewhat with Catholic teachings. Which seems strange, because Catholicism is the LAST thing I ever would have thought I would have settled on. But the more I seem to study it, the more I realize that much of the faith is actually very logical. There's so much more stability in the Catholic faith than the Protestant faith. I'm really interested in the idea of Natural Moral Law and find myself agreeing with it. I'm starting to understand the hierarchy of Catholicism. I appreciate that there is structure within the religion - that for the most part, everyone believes the same thing, and that everything is not just up to how an individual wants to interpret it.

I feel like I've been typing for way too long and I have more to say. So I think I'll cut it off here.

But basically, I can't believe this almost 15 yr. faith journey seems to actually be taking me somewhere. I'd always heard about people who at some point came to a belief in God again, but I never understood how that would be possible and assumed that I always thought too much to ever have a religion or faith again. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe there really is hope for me.

And I'm really thankful that I'm starting to feel like I believe something again.

Now all I need are Catholic friends to help me out. Because right now, I know no one and still feel pretty lonely in all of this searching.

Please, if it's ok if I ask this - send me some my social support.

(I do plan to write more about all this when I'm less distracted by multi-tasking watching tv and typing at the same time)

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