2002-04-09 4:19 p.m.
whatever stuff
OK, I have absolutley nothing interesting to say right now..., but I want to write! :)
On Fri., I got into a 'discussion' with another intern at Bunim-Murray. It started harmless, she started going off on women's rights and how society makes women be unnaturally thin, etc. in order to be accepted and other stuff like that. Well, I don't know why, but I jumped in. We ended up discussing/arguing lots of stuff, much deeper stuff than I usually argue out loud. I am so proud of myself!!! I never backed out, or shyed away, or even felt stupid saying what I thought. And I sounded like I knew what I was talking about! I said what was on my mind and was very open about it. And I really felt good aftewards and that I had proved my point! I really hope I am able to keep this up and next year at school, I can be more open and discuss deep things without only being afraid of how they'll perceive me because of it!!! We'll see, though!
2 1/2 weeks left!! I felt so changed, yet so completely the same. I feel more confident, I'm know more who I am and I'm not ashamed of that. All I can do is be honest in life. Honest in my feelings, honest in my thoughts. What others think about me, oh well! ahh!! Life right this minute is good! :)
I had to call my school this afternoon to take care of a few things. and you know what? I love Texans!! (I just broke one of my biggest rules and admitted where I live. and you know, I'm finally at the point where I'm comfortable in that and I don't care!) They were just so friendly on the phone, and I miss people like that, people who actually are trying to help you. People out here are good people, but they behave different. I miss Texas, I miss the attitude of everyone there, I was even reminded today on the phone how much I miss the accent! :) oh well, I'll be home soon!
I really can't believe that I admitted that I am from Texas, I'm getting very comfortable in here. I hope this is a good thing. and hopefully I don't change my mind and delete this entry in a few days! :)
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.