Tuesday, Apr. 12, 2005 12:23 p.m.
I'm stressed out.
ok, so I've been thinking...here I am, planning my first (and last) wedding ever...and I still kinda think that weddings suck.
well, and plus I don't really have time to plan a wedding. or at least not right now - I'm about to devote the next 6 weeks of my life to yet another reality show...I have such a weird life and a weird job.
ha ha - and to think that I thought that my life would never be as crazy again as it was in college...
I work 10-12hrs. a day, I have an hour communte each way. I HATE Los Angeles traffic. I don't have time to go shopping, or to the bank, or to mail something, or to make personal phone calls. I'm leaving in 44 hours. I haven't shopped, packed, done laundry, figured out what to do with my car, paid advance bills, nothing.
people want to hang out with me before I leave. I don't have time to be social. all these people are asking me about wedding details and trying to suggest stuff. I don't know! do I have to have it all planned now? I don't know about dresses, I haven't thought about the cake, I barely picked the colors, and I don't care if you think they are tacky...seriously, does it freakin matter at all??! it's just a day - a day where I get to wear a pretty dress and start to 'officially' live with the guy I'm in love with and can stop pretending to my family that I've never had sex.
that's all.
I don't want to leave. I'm going to miss my fiance terribly and will probably cry several nights. this industry is hard. sure, I get my name in credits, but they fly by so fast that it's not like anyone sees them anyways...
this will be my third show. I'm starting to measure my life in them - "back when I was on Billionaire...", or "oh, that was before Simple Life..." yeah. it's such a weird experience being on production. your life becomes absorbed in what you're working on, the crew becomes your family. everything is always temporary, changing, blurry. everyone hates it, yet everyone is somehow addicted to it.
I've got to get out. I can't take being this stressed anymore. but then I think about college, and how I thought life would be easier afterwards, and it isn't really...so I guess life doesn't really ever get easier...
that's annoying.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.