2002-04-17 6:27 a.m.
back where I started
Well, I hope this is a good thing. I have this tendendcy to get myself much more invovled than I know is good for me. I think I keep myself so busy partially because if I'm busy, I don't have as much time to think about stuff, you know?
Well, even though I'm not at school this semster, I was able to run for Senior class officer. Elections were yesterday. I won. I'm also on the planning committee for Welcome Week for the new freshmen (this is a pretty big deal at our school).
First off, I'm not even sure how I was allowed to run for either of these, since techinacally I'm not a student right now. And Senior class officer? I will be one hour short of senior status when fall semester starts!! It really goes to prove that it all depends on who you are. If people know you and you are looked at as an 'upstanding student', or whatever the hell people think of me, I don't know, you are able to bend rules. I don't mean to sound high and mighty like I'm cool and popular and can get my way at any time, because that is DEFINITLY not true. I'm just me, but I guess somehow I'm percieved as this good, sweet, Christain girl - in other words, I can act to fit the ACU mold.
Is it wrong to act to fit the mold? I really don't want to anymore. That was my goal for going back home, that I would be myself and think the way I think and not be ashamed if I don't believe as everyone else. But I'm putting myself back where I know I shoudn't be: in positions where I will be held to a higher standard, in positions where there will be serious rumors and consequences if it was discovered that I don't fully believe in christianity or even that I drank a little bit out here. So..., I will most likely have to keep on acting, which scares the crap out of me, because I get trapped this way and stressed which makes me frustrated and depressed.
So, why am I holding these positions at all then? I guess because deep down, I want to be liked, I want to be known. I suppose that is such a shallow and unimportant desire, but still what is it that makes us want to be well-liked? I think everyone has a desire to be liked. Or at least I know I do. Maybe I shouldn't admit this and it's not like I rely on others for my happines, but I do want everyone to like me. Maybe I'm scared that if I am truely myself and honest to everyone in what I think, I won't be as liked as I feel I am now. And I don't know whay that scares me or why I even care, but I do.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.